The Moonstone (1934): A Stiff, Dusty Old Mystery

Is this thing worth your time?

Honestly? Only if you have a very specific itch for 1930s black-and-white atmosphere. If you’re a fan of Wilkie Collins or just like seeing old movies where everyone talks in full, polite sentences even while they’re being accused of grand larceny, you’ll be fine. If you need pacing, or excitement, or characters you actually care about? Avoid this like the plague.

It’s not a bad movie, just a very, very small one. It feels like a stage play that someone forgot to put on a stage.

The vibe is... very beige.

There is a lot of walking into rooms. Seriously. Half the movie is just people entering a library, looking concerned, and then exiting the library. The gem goes missing, the mansion gets locked down, and suddenly everyone is acting like they’ve never met each other before. It’s all very stiff.

Inspector Charles Irwin shows up and he is, uh, very determined. He spends most of the runtime looking at people over his spectacles. You can almost see the gears turning, but they’re mostly just rusty.

• The lighting is surprisingly moody for such a cheap production.
• Every time someone mentions India, the music swells in a way that feels incredibly dated and kind of uncomfortable.
• There is one specific door hinge that squeaks every single time it opens. It started to drive me crazy by the third act.

Compared to other stuff

It’s not quite as interesting as The Wall Street Mystery, which at least had some actual energy to its chaos. This feels a bit more like a rainy afternoon in a library where you aren't allowed to talk.

I kept waiting for someone to do something unpredictable. They didn't. It’s a very safe, very square little mystery. Sometimes you want something weird like Borrah Minevitch and His Harmonica Rascals just to shake the cobwebs out of your brain, but this movie stays firmly in its lane.

Random thoughts

The dialogue is so clipped it’s like they were charging by the word. Someone says, "The stone is gone," and then they stand there for five seconds just staring at a rug. Why?

I think the director just really liked the look of velvet curtains. There are more shots of curtains in this than of the actual suspects. Maybe the curtains are the real culprit. Who knows.

It’s a relic. A dusty, slightly boring, but mostly harmless relic. Don't go in expecting A Lost Lady levels of drama. Just enjoy the weird old-timey hats and the way they hold their tea cups.

I'm still thinking about that squeaky hinge. It was definitely the most honest performance in the film. 🕵️‍♂️