Satan Met a Lady Review: The Maltese Falcon, But Make It Goofy

Look, if you are expecting a serious noir detective story, just stop right now. You will probably hate this.

But if you want to see Warren William act like a complete goofball while Bette Davis looks like she wants to strangle the director, then yes, it is absolutely worth 75 minutes of your Sunday. 🍿

It is basically a weird, joke-heavy version of The Maltese Falcon. Except instead of a cool black bird, everyone is chasing a jewel-filled ram's horn.

Yes, a ram's horn. It looks like a cheap prop they found in a studio basement.

The whole thing has this chaotic, slightly cheap energy you get in movies like Behind the Mask, where nobody seems entirely sure what genre they are actually in.

The Closet Obsession

Warren William plays Ted Shane, who is supposed to be Sam Spade but behaves like a guy who had way too much coffee. He is constantly smiling at absolutely nothing.

He also has a weird habit of locking people in rooms. He locks his secretary in a closet, he locks Valerie in a room, he just loves turning keys.

Bette Davis plays Valerie, the double-crossing lady. You can tell she is just so over it.

She famously hated making this film, and every time she sighs on screen, you can feel her actual, real-life frustration. It makes her performance way more fun to watch than it should be.

Madame Barabbas and the Chocolates

Instead of the menacing Kasper Gutman, we get Alison Skipworth as Madame Barabbas. She plays the "empress of crime" but has the energy of a cheerful grandmother who loves gossip.

She sits around eating chocolates and giggling while talking about murder. It totally ruins any real sense of danger, but honestly, it is the best part of the movie.

There is a scene where everyone is in a hotel room together, and the blocking is so messy. People just stand in a straight line like they are waiting for a bus.

And Arthur Treacher is there too, playing a British gentleman thief who mostly just looks confused about how he got into this script.

By the time they get to the train station at the end, the movie just sort of gives up on explaining anything. It just ends with Warren William laughing hysterically for what feels like a whole minute.

It is not a masterpiece, but it is a fascinating mess.