Chained: Gable, Crawford, and a lot of staring

Should you watch this?

If you like movies where people stand around in evening gowns and talk about their feelings in very clipped, mid-Atlantic accents, you’ll probably have a decent time. If you prefer your drama to have actual stakes or people who act like real human beings instead of mannequins in tuxedos, maybe skip it. It’s definitely not for the pace-obsessed crowd.

Joan Crawford spends a lot of this movie looking like she’s trying to solve a complex math equation while someone else is talking to her. It’s a specific kind of intensity that honestly makes the whole thing watchable. She’s stuck between two guys, and neither of them seems particularly fun to be around.

Clark Gable is there, of course. He does that thing where he leans against a wall and looks at the camera like he’s bored of his own charm. Sometimes it works. Sometimes he just looks like he’s waiting for his lunch break. There’s a scene on the ship deck that feels like it lasts about three years. The ocean behind them is clearly painted, and you can tell because it never moves. Not even a ripple.

It’s funny how these old studio pictures handle 'romance.' It’s mostly just them walking toward each other across large, empty rooms until they’re close enough to hold hands. Very dramatic, very stiff. You keep waiting for someone to trip over a rug, but they never do. They’re all too graceful for their own good.

The dialogue is peak 1930s, which is to say, it’s all subtext and zero honesty. Everyone says exactly what they think they should say, not what they actually mean. It’s a bit exhausting, to be honest. It reminds me a little of the stiff, formal pacing in A Certain Mr. Gran, though with way more money thrown at the costumes.

There’s a bit with a dog later on that feels completely tacked on. It’s like the writers realized the leads were becoming too unlikable and decided a puppy was the only way to save the scene. It barely works. 🐶

The whole thing feels like a time capsule of a version of life that never actually existed. Nobody ever seems to have a job, unless their job is just 'being rich and sad.' It’s weirdly comforting in a way, even if the plot is thinner than the coffee they’re probably drinking in those fancy parlors.

Don’t go in expecting a masterpiece. Go in for the hats. The hats are truly something else. And honestly? That might be enough.