Greta Garbo, Napoleon, and a whole lot of velvet

Is it worth your time?

If you like old-school Hollywood excess and want to watch Greta Garbo be absolutely untouchable, sure, watch it. If you need a movie that moves faster than a carriage in deep mud, stay away. This is for the folks who like their history filtered through a soft-focus lens and high-fashion gowns.

Garbo is just... Garbo. She walks into a room and the whole movie stops to look at her. It is kind of funny how much work the lighting department put in just to make sure her chin caught the light in every single shot.

Charles Boyer plays Napoleon, and he spends a lot of time looking stressed. I kept thinking he looked more like a man trying to balance a budget than someone conquering Europe. The chemistry between them is mostly just a lot of intense breathing and dramatic pauses.

The costumes are absurdly heavy. You can almost hear the fabric dragging across the floor. There is this one scene where she is wearing enough lace to cover a small house. I was more worried about her tripping than I was about the fate of Poland.

The pacing is, well, let's call it deliberate. It feels like the director was afraid to cut a single frame. Sometimes the silence between lines goes on for a lifetime. It reminded me a bit of the slow, quiet dread in Clochard, but with way more gold leaf on the walls.

There is a lot of talk about politics, but none of it feels real. It is just a backdrop for the romance. The Polish leaders are all very stern, and the French court is all very shiny. It is like watching a painting slowly melt.

I found myself staring at the background extras instead of the main plot. There is a guy in the back of the ballroom scene who clearly forgot his lines and just keeps adjusting his wig. It’s the little things that keep you awake, honestly.

Is it great cinema? Maybe not. Is it a strange, beautiful relic that feels like a fever dream? Definitely.

Notes from the couch:

• The candles in the hallway never seem to burn down.
• Napoleon needs a nap.
• Greta Garbo’s eyes do more acting than the rest of the cast combined.
• The ending feels like it just ran out of film.