Dancing Pirate: A Technicolor headache or a forgotten gem?

Is it worth your time?

If you like movies that look like a box of melted crayons and have absolutely zero stakes, then sure, go for it. People who need a logical plot or characters who act like actual human beings will probably want to throw their remote at the screen within ten minutes. It’s an odd, stiff relic that feels like it’s vibrating with effort.

The whole thing starts with this Boston dance teacher getting snatched up by pirates. It sounds like a premise for a cartoon, and for the most part, that’s exactly how it plays out. The color is so bright it almost hurts your eyes. Every costume looks like it was dipped in neon paint.

I found myself staring at the background extras more than the leads. There’s this one guy in the back of the deck scene who looks like he’s forgotten his choreography entirely. He just kind of sways, looking lost. It’s charming, in a weird, accidental way.

Wait, why is everyone dancing?

The musical numbers hit you out of nowhere. One second they’re threatening to make someone walk the plank, and the next, there’s a full ensemble dance routine. It’s jarring. The transition from 'I'm going to kill you' to 'let's do a tap routine' is handled with the grace of a falling piano.

Rita Hayworth shows up, and she’s obviously the best thing about the screen. She’s got this spark that nobody else here possesses. Even when she’s stuck in some truly ridiculous dialogue, she makes it work. She stands there, looking like she’s waiting for a better script to arrive.

• The Technicolor is, uh, very yellow.
• The pirates look less like killers and more like they’re wearing costumes from a high school play.
• The choreography is fine, but the editing makes it look choppy and frantic.

I kept thinking about Black Beauty while watching this, mainly because I wanted to be looking at a nice horse instead of this mess. It’s not that the movie is mean-spirited. It’s just remarkably hollow. It’s a bit like watching a clockwork toy run down. It moves, it clicks, it does the thing it was designed to do, but it doesn't have a pulse.

There’s a moment near the end where the lead guy does a solo dance on the sand. The camera stays wide, and you can see he’s really giving it his all. He’s sweating, his tie is askew, and he looks exhausted. It’s the only time the movie feels remotely real. I almost felt bad for him.

If you’re a fan of early color experiments, maybe you’ll find something here. Otherwise, it’s mostly just a curiosity. A very, very loud, colorful curiosity. 🎭