Hearts Divided: A Costume Drama That Moves Like Molasses

Is it worth your afternoon?

If you like old-school Hollywood romances where everyone talks like they’re reading a textbook out loud, maybe. If you’re allergic to 1930s melodrama, stay far, far away. It’s mostly for people who enjoy seeing Marion Davies try to carry a script that’s clearly more interested in French politics than actual chemistry.

Let’s talk about that horse track scene. The pacing here is so weirdly frantic that you’d think the horses were running on espresso. Jerome shows up, spots Betsy, and suddenly it’s instant love—or something like it. It feels like the movie is rushing to get to the point, but the point is just a very long, very polite argument about marriage.

Marion Davies has this look on her face for half the film like she’s waiting for someone to finally say something interesting. Can you blame her? When she’s teaching Jerome French, the whole thing feels like a grade-school skit. It lacks that spark you see in something like The Prizefighter and the Lady, where the energy actually hits the ceiling.

Napoleon, the party pooper

Claude Rains is here, looking annoyed as Napoleon. Honestly, he’s the only one who seems to know he’s in a movie. Everyone else is acting like they’re in a wax museum display that just happened to start moving.

• The Hall Johnson Choir shows up, which is great, but the movie doesn't know what to do with them.
• The costumes look like they were pulled from a bin labeled "generic history."
• That one scene with the reception in Washington? It goes on forever. I think I counted three separate conversations about tea.

It’s not as bad as Flicker Fever, but it’s definitely not a classic. The whole premise—that the Louisiana Purchase hinged on a guy failing to get a date—is just silly. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to check your watch twice, just to be sure.

The weirdest bit? The way Jerome just drifts into jobs. One minute he’s a royal brother, the next he’s a French tutor. Nobody seems to care that he’s totally unqualified. It’s a very convenient world, this 1800s Maryland.

If you watch it, do it for the unintentional comedy of watching a historical figure try to act like a lovestruck teenager. Otherwise, you’re better off skipping to the end. Or just re-watching anything else, really. 🎥