Watching John Wayne: Stolen Goods is a weird, colorful fever dream

If you're looking for a serious western to dissect, move along. John Wayne: Stolen Goods (In Color) is the kind of movie you put on when you want your eyes to feel a little bit confused by the early attempts at color film. If you love old-school B-movie westerns, you’ll probably find something to grin at here. If you expect a tight script or anything resembling actual logic, you are going to have a bad time.

The whole gimmick here is the vibrant color, which I assume was meant to be a selling point. Instead, it looks like someone took a perfectly good black-and-white print and spilled a box of crayons all over it. The blues are way too blue. The dirt is sometimes an aggressive shade of orange. It’s distracting, but in a way that’s actually kind of charming.

John Wayne is just doing his thing, being the sturdy lawman who doesn't take nonsense from anybody. Gabby Hayes is there too, providing the usual comic relief that feels like it’s being beamed in from a totally different, much sillier movie. Their chemistry is fine, I guess, though I spent more time staring at the weird polka-dot pattern on the bandit's outfit than listening to the dialogue.

There is a scene in the second act where they’re chasing the bandit through a canyon, and the shadows just disappear completely because of the lighting choices. It looks like they’re walking on a green screen from 1940. It reminded me of some of the low-budget choices in The Wild Rider, where the environment felt more like a stage set than an actual desert.

Odd bits and pieces:

• The Polka Dot Bandit’s mask is honestly kind of terrifying.
• I swear the same cactus appears in the background of three different towns.
• The sound editing is… loud. Very loud.
• The horse chase scenes go on for about five minutes too long, but at least the colors stay consistently strange.

It doesn't have the grit of a real classic, and it certainly isn't as moody as something like Le crime du chemin rouge. Still, it’s a weird little artifact. Sometimes, movies don't need to be good to be worth your time. They just need to be interesting enough to keep you from checking your phone for an hour. 🤠

Is this the best western ever made? Not even close. Is it better than watching paint dry? Probably. Just don't ask too many questions about why the bandit chose that specific pattern for his crime spree.