Secret Agent X-9 (1937) - Cheap jewels, giant hats, and great fistfights

If you have a soft spot for dusty old cliffhanger serials where guys in giant suits punch each other until their hats fall off, you will have a blast with this. But if you need things like "logic" or "good acting" to enjoy a movie, please stay far away.

Secret Agent X-9 is basically twelve chapters of people running in and out of rooms looking for some stolen Belgravian crown jewels.

I watched this on a rainy Sunday with a huge cup of coffee, and honestly, it was the perfect background noise.

Scott Kolk plays our main guy, Agent X-9.

He has this incredibly stiff posture, like he is trying to hold a coin between his shoulder blades the entire time.

But the real draw for me was seeing a **very** young Lon Chaney Jr. running around as a henchman.

He doesn't have much to do except look menacing, but he has this great, bulky presence that makes the fight scenes actually look kind of painful.

Speaking of the fights, they are delightfully messy.

There is this one moment in chapter three where a guy gets thrown over a desk, and you can clearly see the stunt double's wig slipping off for a split second.

I love stuff like that. It feels so real and cheap.

The plot itself is just a big game of hot potato.

Someone gets the jewels, then they get knocked out, then someone else gets the jewels.

It is not exactly Robin Hood when it comes to classic adventure, but it keeps moving.

Sometimes it moves too fast, actually.

One minute they are in a hotel lobby, and the next they are suddenly on a boat with zero explanation of how they got there.

I think some scenes might have just been lost or edited out by a tired projectionist decades ago.

Also, the set design is hilarious.

The "Belgravian" embassy looks exactly like a dusty office in Los Angeles with a fancy rug thrown over a chair.

And the crown jewels themselves look like plastic toys you would win at a carnival.

Odd things I noticed while watching:

• The main villain always holds his gun right next to his own ear when aiming.
• The constant, loud dramatic music never stops, even when people are just sitting down.
• How many times people get knocked cold with a single punch and wake up with no brain damage.

Jean Rogers is in this too, playing Shari, and she is easily the best part of the whole thing.

She has this amazing way of looking *incredibly* bored while being held hostage by angry gangsters.

Her face just says, "I am not getting paid enough for this."

There is a weirdly long scene where two guys talk about a secret formula for like five minutes, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the jewels.

I think the writers just forgot what the main plot was for a chapter.

But then we get another cliffhanger where a car goes off a cliff, so all is forgiven.

It is definitely not a masterpiece.

But if you want some brainless, black-and-white fun from a time when movies were made for nickelodeons, it is worth a look. 🍿