Secrets of the French Police: Weird, Short, and Totally Forgotten

Is this thing even worth the time?

Honestly, only if you have a thing for black-and-white oddities from the early 30s. If you want a tight, logical thriller, look elsewhere. You will probably hate this if you get annoyed by plot holes the size of a carriage.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Secrets of the French Police (1932) through its definitive frames.

Secrets of the French Police feels like someone threw three different scripts into a blender. You have this thief guy trying to find his girl, but then the movie keeps getting distracted by this Russian dude claiming he has Anastasia. It’s a bit jarring. 🤷‍♂️

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Secrets of the French Police (1932) through its definitive frames.

The whole bit about the girl selling flowers is kind of sweet until the movie decides she needs to be a focal point for some weird mystery stuff. It’s like the writers forgot she was a person and just made her a plot device. Typical for the era, I guess.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Secrets of the French Police (1932) through its definitive frames.

The Russian character? Man, he is a lot. He spends half his time looking intense and the other half looking like he’s about to fall over. It’s a performance that doesn’t quite land, but you can’t look away from it.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Secrets of the French Police (1932) through its definitive frames.

There is this one scene where they are arguing about the Romanovs, and the pacing just hits a wall. It lingers on faces for way too long. I found myself checking my watch, which I usually don't do with films like Road to Rio, which at least knows how to keep things moving.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Secrets of the French Police (1932) through its definitive frames.

Some random notes I scribbled down:

• The lighting in the police station is moody as all get-out. Maybe too moody? You can barely see the faces sometimes.
• The flower shop set looks like it was built five minutes before they started filming.
• The dialogue is stilted. Like, nobody talks like this. Ever.
• There’s a moment with a staircase that just felt like filler.

It’s not a masterpiece. It’s barely even a coherent movie. But there’s a certain charm to how hard it tries to be serious while the plot is basically falling apart at the seams. It’s got that weird, dusty feeling of a movie that hasn't been thought about in eighty years.

Maybe watch it while you’re folding laundry or something. It’s short enough that you won’t lose your whole evening, and the absurdity of the Anastasia angle is honestly kind of hilarious if you don't take it seriously.

Anyway, I probably wouldn't watch it again. It just doesn't have the staying power of, say, Woman to Woman, which at least had a bit more heart to it. This one is just… weird. 🕵️‍♂️