Tannenberg: History lessons and stiff collars

Is it worth your time?

If you like old, grainy war movies that feel more like a stiff history lecture than a drama, you might get a kick out of this. If you need your war movies to have a bit of humanity or, you know, excitement, skip it. This is definitely for the crowd that enjoys reading military maps and watching men stand in rooms staring intensely at paper.

Tannenberg is one of those movies that takes itself so seriously you almost feel guilty for checking your phone. It’s all about Hindenburg and the big victory in 1914, and honestly, the whole thing feels like a long, formal portrait that just happens to be moving.

The pacing is, well, glacial. It moves at the speed of an old carriage stuck in the mud. There are scenes where people just stand around in uniforms, looking stern. Sometimes they look left. Sometimes they look right. It’s very dignified, I guess?

I found myself staring at the background extras more than the main actors. At one point in a strategy meeting, one guy in the back is just struggling to keep a straight face while Hindenburg drones on. It’s the little things, really. 🧐

There is a complete lack of, well, dirt. Everyone looks like they just stepped out of a tailor shop, even in the middle of a war zone. It makes the whole thing feel like a stage play that someone dragged outside for five minutes of sunlight.

It’s funny how different this is from something like William Tell. That one had at least a bit of spirit. Here? It’s just pure, unadulterated Prussian stiffness. If you want to see people salute for two hours straight, this is your gold mine.

The dialogue is all very clipped and serious. Nobody just talks. They declare. It’s like they are afraid that if they speak normally, the whole movie might fall apart. It probably would have, actually.

I kept waiting for someone to just trip over a chair or sneeze. Just to break the tension. Nope. Just more stern looks and maps. 🗺️

Is it a bad movie? Not necessarily. It’s just very, very limited. It’s a snapshot of a specific time and a specific type of filmmaking that has zero interest in being 'entertaining' in the modern sense. It’s a relic, really. A dusty one.

• The mustache game in this movie is truly top-tier.
• The maps are the most exciting characters in the film.
• I think I counted three different rooms that look exactly the same.
• The salute-to-screentime ratio is probably record-breaking.