The Captain Hates the Sea is a weird, drunken mess (in a good way)

You should probably watch this if you like movies where the plot feels like it was written on the back of a bar napkin. It is perfect for a rainy afternoon when you don't want to think too hard. If you hate pre-code chaos or movies with thirty different characters, you will probably turn it off after ten minutes.

The whole thing takes place on a cruise ship. The title is not a metaphor. The captain, played by Walter Connolly, actually hates the sea. He gets seasick. He hates the passengers. He mostly just wants to be in a garden somewhere.

I love how grumpy he is. He spends half the movie looking like he just smelled something terrible. It’s the most relatable part of the film, honestly.

Then you have John Gilbert. This was his last movie. He plays a guy named Steve Bramley who is a writer. He says he is going on the cruise to stop drinking and write a book. Spoiler alert: he does not stop drinking. Not even a little bit.

There is a sadness to his performance that feels real. You can tell he was going through it. He looks tired, but he still has that old movie star energy. Sometimes he stares off into the distance for a second too long, and it feels like he forgot he was in a comedy.

The movie is crowded. Like, really crowded. There are thieves. There is a detective. There is a general. It is like the director tried to fit three different movies into one boat.

Speaking of crowded, The Three Stooges are in this. They aren't doing their usual routine though. They play the ship's orchestra. Seeing Moe, Larry, and Curly just sitting there with instruments is bizarre. They have a few funny moments, but they are mostly just... there. It feels like they wandered in from a different set and nobody told them to leave.

• The bar scenes are the best part.
• The detective is way too loud.
• The lighting in the cabin scenes is surprisingly dark.
• Victor McLaglen is doing his usual tough-guy-with-a-heart-of-gold thing.

There is one scene where everyone is at the bar and the camera just pans across. It feels like a real party. People are talking over each other. It’s messy. I like that it doesn't feel perfectly staged. It’s bursty. One minute it’s a romance, the next it’s a crime thriller.

The pacing is a bit of a disaster. It starts fast, then it just kind of floats there in the middle. Just like a real boat trip, I guess. You get bored of the people you are with.

I found myself wondering about the extras. In the background of one shot, there is a woman who looks like she is actually having a fight with her husband. It’s not part of the plot. She’s just angry in the background. I spent five minutes watching her instead of the main actors.

The movie doesn't really have a big message. It isn't trying to change your life. It’s just about how people are kind of terrible and funny when they are stuck together. It’s not quite as weird as Stark Mad, but it has that same 'anything can happen' energy from the early 30s.

McLaglen plays a private eye chasing a guy who stole some bonds. He’s fine, but he spends a lot of time yelling. Why does everyone in 1934 yell so much? My ears actually hurt by the end of his scenes.

The romance between the thief and his girl is actually kind of sweet. Or maybe it’s just that they are the only people on the boat who aren't constantly complaining. They have this quiet way of looking at each other while the rest of the cast is screaming about gin.

There’s a lot of drinking. Like, a concerning amount of drinking. Even for a pre-code movie, this one feels like it was sponsored by a distillery. Every time someone feels a minor emotion, they reach for a glass. It becomes a running gag that stops being funny and then becomes funny again because it's so constant.

Wait, what happened to the dog?

There is a dog in one scene. Then it just disappears. I hope the dog is okay. This is the kind of movie that just forgets things. Plot points start and then just... evaporate.

If you’re looking for a masterpiece, look somewhere else. But if you want to see a bunch of legends acting like they are on a real vacation that went slightly wrong, give it a go. It is clunky. It is loud. It is very human.

The ending feels rushed. Like they realized they were running out of film and just decided to dock the boat. Everything gets wrapped up in about three minutes. It is deeply unsatisfying but somehow fits the vibe of the rest of the movie perfectly. 🚢

I think I liked it? I’m not sure. I definitely didn't hate it. It’s just a strange little time capsule of a movie that doesn't exist anymore.