The Hatchet Man (1932) is pure, unhinged pre-Code Hollywood madness

If you want to see something completely wild from the early days of talking pictures, yes, The Hatchet Man is absolutely worth your time tonight.

People who love fast, messy pre-Code dramas and Edward G. Robinson shouting things will have a great time. Anyone who cannot stand old Hollywood's history of putting white actors in terrible makeup to play Asian characters will probably want to throw their TV out the window. 😅

The whole thing is just so incredibly weird to watch today.

We get Edward G. Robinson—the ultimate tough-guy gangster—playing a character named Wong Low Get. He wears a traditional robe and has a long braided ponytail, but he still talks exactly like a guy who grew up on the streets of Brooklyn.

"I am a hatchet man," he basically says, but with that classic snarling voice we know from his mob movies. It is impossible to take seriously, but the movie is so deadpan about it that you just have to go along for the ride.

The story kicks off in San Francisco's Chinatown during a bloody Tong war. People are throwing axes at each other in dark, smoky alleys. Wong gets ordered by his bosses to execute his own best friend.

It is actually a pretty dark and heavy setup. The friend is just sitting there at his desk, waiting to die, and he makes Wong promise to look after his little daughter. "Take all my money and marry her when she grows up," he says. Which, let's be honest, is a very strange favor to ask your future killer.

But Wong says yes because he is a man of honor. The friend gets his big speech, and then Wong just chucks a hatchet right into his chest.

The sound effect for the hit is hilarious. It sounds like someone dropped a wet sack of laundry onto a wooden floor.

Then we immediately jump forward fifteen years in the future. Suddenly, the little girl has grown up and is played by Loretta Young, who looks about as Chinese as a glass of milk. This is not like watching a wholesome, simple story like The Rainbow Trail.

It is messy, uncomfortable, and highly questionable. But the director, William Wellman, keeps things moving so fast you do not have time to think about it. Scenes just crash into each other.

One minute they are talking about ancient traditions, and the next minute someone is getting kicked down a flight of stairs. I found myself looking at the background extras a lot.

There are actual Chinese actors in the background, and they look incredibly bored. They just stand there while these highly paid white stars speak in this slow, robotic English. "I... do... not... wish... to... offend... you," Robinson says, like he is reading the words off a wall behind the camera.

Then the plot gets even crazier when Loretta Young falls for a young guy who is a total crook. His name is Harry Nog, and Leslie Fenton plays him like a hyperactive squirrel who drank too much coffee. He is constantly twitching his shoulders and wearing these giant, oversized suits.

There is a scene where Wong finds out his young wife is cheating on him. Instead of getting angry, he just looks incredibly sad. Robinson was actually a great actor, even under all that silly tape on his eyes, and you can see real pain there. It almost makes you forget the crazy premise. Almost.

The ending is what really seals the deal for me. Wong has to go all the way to China to track down the guy who ruined his family. The set they built for "China" looks like it was made of cardboard and left-over paint from the studio lot.

And the final confrontation involves some of the worst special effects of the era. Wong throws his signature hatchet one last time, and it flies through the air in this super choppy, frame-by-frame stop-motion. I literally laughed out loud at my screen.

It is definitely not a masterpiece. It is not even a good movie if we are being honest about the script. But it has so much raw energy. Unlike some boring, slow films from back then like Miss Mischief Maker, this one will keep you awake.

If you want a polished classic, go watch something else. But if you want a bizarre slice of 1932 Hollywood madness, put this on. Just be ready to cringe a few times. 🤷‍♂️

Didja notice?

• The hatchets look incredibly light, like they are made of balsa wood.
• Robinson's hat keeps changing angles between different camera cuts.
• The kid playing young Toy San looks absolutely nothing like Loretta Young.
• There is one extra in the street scene who keeps staring directly into the lens.
• A dramatic gong sound plays almost every single time someone says the word "Tong."