Burn 'Em Up Barnes: A Whole Lot of Nothing Happening Fast

Is this actually worth the time?

Look, if you have a massive soft spot for grainy, old-school serials where every single problem is solved by a fistfight or a car crash, you might get a kick out of Burn 'Em Up Barnes. It’s loud, it’s frantic, and it honestly feels like it was written on the back of a napkin during a lunch break. If you aren't into the whole 'damsel in distress' thing, though, you’re probably going to hate how often Marjorie just stands around waiting for help.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Burn 'Em Up Barnes (1934) through its definitive frames.

The whole premise is just an excuse to get to the racing scenes. We get it, there’s oil under the bus lot. The bad guys are so cartoonishly evil that I half-expected them to twirl their mustaches while laughing. Seriously, their plans to ruin a bus company are about as subtle as a brick to the face.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Burn 'Em Up Barnes (1934) through its definitive frames.

Notes from the couch

• The pacing is weird. It’s like the movie is terrified you might actually stop paying attention for five seconds, so it just throws another explosion at you.
• The race cars are loud, but you can tell they aren't actually going that fast. It’s mostly just clever camera angles and people yelling.
• I’m pretty sure I saw the same stunt guy fall off a roof three different times.
• There is this one guy in the background of the bus depot scene who just stands there picking his fingernails for an entire minute. It's fascinating.

It reminds me a bit of the vibe in Tom's Gang where the plot is mostly just a skeleton to hang stunts on. But at least that had a little more charm to it. Here, the characters are just cardboard cutouts moving from Point A to Point B.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Burn 'Em Up Barnes (1934) through its definitive frames.

There’s a moment where Barnes tries to be all heroic and save the day, but the dialogue is so stiff you can practically hear the actors sweating. It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s definitely not good. It's just... there. It’s a movie that exists in a vacuum where logic goes to die.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of Burn 'Em Up Barnes (1934) through its definitive frames.

Honestly, watching this felt a bit like trying to eat a bowl of dry cereal. It gets the job done if you’re starving for old cinema, but it’s not exactly a feast. The constant rescuing gets really old by the fourth time. We get it, Barnes. You’re the guy.

If you're a completionist for 1930s action, sure, watch it. Otherwise, you’re not missing anything monumental. It’s just a relic. A noisy, dusty, slightly annoying relic. 🏎️💨