Five Bad Men: A dusty, weird little Western time capsule

Is this worth your time?

Honestly, only if you have a soft spot for grainy, old-school B-Westerns where the plot matters less than the hats. If you hate movies where the story feels like it was written on the back of a napkin while riding a horse, skip it. But for the folks who love 1930s-style grit and guys named 'Cactus'? You’re home.

Five Bad Men is a weird little beast. It’s not trying to be the next Wildfire or anything remotely prestige. It just wants to get from the opening credits to the final shootout without tripping over its own spurs.

The Vibe

The whole thing feels a bit like The Thrill Chaser but with way more squinting into the sun. There’s a scene early on where someone is talking, and the audio just sort of dips out for a second like the camera guy bumped the mic. Nobody fixed it. It stays in.

I kind of loved that. It’s real. 🤠

The pacing is absolutely manic. One minute we’re in a tense standoff, and the next, characters are teleporting across the desert just to be in the next scene. It’s not lazy, exactly—it’s just impatient. The movie wants to get to the action so bad it forgets it needs to tell you why the shooting is happening in the first place.

• Noah Beery Jr. shows up and he's clearly the only one who didn't get the memo about acting like a silent movie relic.
• The horses look like they’re having a better time than the humans.
• There is a distinct lack of actual 'five bad men' doing anything coherent.

Maybe it’s just me, but the way some of these old actors move—all stiff and dramatic—reminds me of Soldiers of Fortune. They hold their poses just a second too long after the dialogue ends. Like they’re waiting for a photographer to snap a picture. It’s funny if you look at it the right way.

Final thoughts, for what they're worth

It isn't a masterpiece. It's barely a coherent movie. But there's something about the way it keeps pushing forward, stumbling over its own feet, that I find weirdly endearing. It’s got that raw, unfinished energy you just don't see anymore.

If you're looking for a deep, meaningful experience, look elsewhere. If you want to kill an hour watching guys in vests ride around shooting at the sky? You’re golden. Just don't ask too many questions. The movie definitely won't have the answers. 🌵