Ghost Patrol (1936) - A Weird Sci-Fi Western with No Ghosts

Is it worth the 60 minutes?

If you like old movies that don't know what genre they belong to, then yes. You should watch it if you find the idea of a cowboy fighting a sci-fi death ray funny.

You will probably hate this if you want actual ghosts or a plot that makes sense for more than five minutes at a time. It's a very specific kind of weird.

The first thing you need to know is that the title is a total lie. There are no ghosts in this movie, which was a bit of a letdown because I was ready for some spooky western action.

Instead, we get Tim McCoy playing a federal agent who looks like he’s wearing a hat three sizes too big for his head. He’s investigating these mysterious plane crashes that keep happening in the desert.

It turns out there is this professor who invented a radium tube. It’s basically a prop that looks like a thermos wrapped in tinfoil, but it can stop internal combustion engines from working.

The bad guys, led by a guy who looks like every other 1930s villain, want the tube to rob mail planes. It is a very complicated way to rob a plane, honestly.

Tim McCoy has this incredibly stiff posture that makes him look like he’s made of wood. He walks into every room like he’s about to give a lecture, even when he’s supposed to be undercover.

There is one scene where the professor is explaining the radium tube and the science is just... spectacularly bad. He says 'radium' like it's a magic word that explains everything from gravity to why his coffee is hot.

The special effects for the planes crashing are clearly just models on strings. You can almost see the hand of a bored stagehand shaking the camera to make it look like a disaster.

I noticed that the horses in the background of the desert scenes look much more tired than the actors. They’re just standing there, probably wondering when the radium tube talk will end so they can go eat some hay.

One of the henchmen has a reaction shot after a plane goes down that lasts about four seconds too long. He just stares at the sky with this blank expression that made me laugh out loud.

It reminds me a little bit of the weird pacing in Stone Age Error, where things just happen because the script says so. There’s no real 'why' to any of it.

The movie gets much better when the shooting starts, mostly because the sound effects for the guns are so loud and tinny. It sounds like someone is popping bubble wrap right next to the microphone.

I liked the professor’s daughter, played by Claudia Dell, even though she doesn't have much to do except look worried. She has this very 1930s way of gasping that feels like she practiced it in a mirror for hours.

There is a weirdly long sequence of people just riding horses through the brush. It feels like they were trying to hit a specific runtime and just told the actors to 'keep riding until we tell you to stop.'

If you’ve seen I Was a Spy, you know how these old agent movies usually go. This one is way less serious and way more clunky.

The climax of the film happens in this 'secret' hideout that is basically just a shack with some wires hanging from the ceiling. The budget clearly ran out before they could build a proper laboratory.

Tim McCoy handles the final fistfight with the same wooden dignity he handles everything else. He doesn't even lose his hat, which is the most impressive part of the whole movie.

I did wonder why the robbers didn't just use guns instead of a giant radium machine. It seems like a lot of heavy lifting for a very small payout.

The way they talk about technology back then is fascinating because it feels like magic. To the writers in 1936, radium was basically the same thing as a wizard's wand.

The film is only about an hour long, which is a blessing. It doesn't overstay its welcome, but it also doesn't leave much of an impression once the credits roll.

I kept thinking about Bacon Grabbers while watching the slapstick-style brawls. There's a bit of that old silent film energy in the way people fall over chairs.

One thing that really bugged me was the sound of the plane engines. It’s a constant, high-pitched hum that sounds like a vacuum cleaner is running in the next room.

The editing is a bit jumpy, especially in the transitions between the desert and the interiors. One second it's high noon, and the next second the lighting inside the shack looks like it's midnight.

I did enjoy the small detail of the professor’s desk, which is covered in bottles and tubes that have no labels. He looks less like a scientist and more like a guy who really enjoys collecting glassware.

Is it a classic? Absolutely not. Is it a fun way to turn your brain off for an hour? Yeah, probably.

The ending is very abrupt, as if the cameraman just decided he had enough footage and went home. Everything is wrapped up in about thirty seconds of dialogue.

If you like Tim McCoy, you'll like this because he's in peak 'stiff cowboy' mode. If you don't like him, the radium tube is at least interesting to look at for a few minutes.

I'll probably forget most of this by tomorrow, but that radium tube will live in my head for a while. It’s just so shiny and useless. 🤠✈️