Guard That Girl: Archery, Dogs, and 1930s Mystery Nonsense

Is this thing worth your time?

If you have a soft spot for brisk, black-and-white mysteries that don't take themselves too seriously, you'll probably enjoy Guard That Girl. It’s not going to win any awards for deep character studies, but it moves fast.

If you get annoyed by characters making obviously bad decisions or mysteries that rely on “secret panels” to move the plot forward, you should probably skip it. It’s very much a product of its time—light, breezy, and a little bit silly.

The whole setup is classic: an inheritance, a greedy family, and a house in the country. Naturally, our heroes decide the best way to stop the heiress from being murdered is to have the secretary pretend to be her. Because that always works out perfectly in movies, right?

I found myself mostly watching for Lobo the Marvel Dog. He’s the real star here. There’s a moment involving a rake and a prowler that felt surprisingly heavy for a movie that spends most of its time on comedic bickering. It’s a strange shift in tone, but it kept me from zoning out.

Oddly specific observations:

• The archery-as-murder-weapon trope is definitely overused, but watching an uncle casually carry a bow around a house makes for a very funny visual.
• The chaise lounge scene. Honestly, who sleeps on a chaise lounge in a mystery movie? It’s practically a beacon for trouble.
• There’s a rowboat scene that lasts about thirty seconds, but the framing is so tight you can tell the water is basically a bathtub.
• The pacing is so fast that nobody seems to mourn anything for more than five seconds. It’s almost refreshing.

If you've seen The Holy Terror or even the weirder Land o' Lizards, you know the vibe. It’s all about getting the job done before the lunch break. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need on a Tuesday night.

The dialogue is snappy, if a bit predictable. The detectives, Edwards and Donovan, are the kind of guys who seem to be making it up as they go along. You can feel the movie trying to be a noir, but it’s too sunny for that. It’s more of a mystery-lite.

Also, Ward Bond is in here, and he just brings a specific energy to any scene he's in. He looks like he’s actually confused about why there are so many arrows flying around the house. I don't blame him.

Is it a masterpiece? No. Is it better than sitting through a modern CGI mess? Probably. It doesn't overstay its welcome, which is the best thing I can say about it. 🐕