Professional Soldier is a weird, dusty relic

If you have a soft spot for 1930s political capers that don't quite know if they want to be comedies or serious dramas, you might find something here. But let’s be honest, Professional Soldier is mostly for people who get a kick out of seeing how movies used to just wing it with the plot.

Victor McLaglen plays the mercenary Donovan, and he basically just stomps around being loud and tough. It works, I guess? He's supposed to kidnap a king, but then he finds out the guys hiring him are jerks. Suddenly, he’s the king’s best friend. It’s that kind of logic.

The whole thing feels like it was filmed on two sets and a dream. There’s a scene where they’re plotting the revolution that lasts way too long, and I’m pretty sure the guy in the back is just trying to remember his lines. It’s charming in a sleepy way, I suppose.

Rita Hayworth pops up, which is always nice, though she’s definitely not doing her best work here. She just sort of lingers in the background, looking like she’s waiting for a better script to show up. Compared to something like Paprika, this movie feels like it’s running on fumes.

The pacing is all over the place. One minute we’re doing high-stakes political intrigue, and the next, everyone is cracking jokes that don't really land. It reminded me a bit of the frantic energy in Go West, Young Man, but without the actual bite.

• Victor McLaglen’s hat is the real star of the show.
• The "revolutionary" plot points make about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
• Wait, was that the same background extra in three different cities?
• The lighting makes everyone look like they are permanently squinting.

You can tell the writers—all six of them, apparently—were just trying to fill the runtime. It doesn’t have the polish of Lady of the Night, but it’s not trying to be high art either. It’s just a movie that exists. Watch it if you’re bored on a Tuesday, or maybe don't. It won't hurt your feelings either way.

Sometimes the movie just stops moving. Like, there’s a moment where the dialogue gets so stuck on a single point that I actually checked my watch. I’m not sure who thought that was a good idea, but here we are. It’s not quite a disaster, just… thin. Real thin. 🎞️