March of the Wooden Soldiers is the weirdest holiday movie you need to watch

If you want something cozy but deeply weird to watch on a rainy Sunday, yes, put this on right now. Kids who only like fast CGI will probably get bored or creeped out in five minutes, but anyone who loves old-school physical comedy is going to have a blast. 🧸

I forgot how absolutely unhinged this movie gets. It is basically Laurel and Hardy living in a giant shoe with Mother Peep and trying to pay off her debt.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) through its definitive frames.

The main conflict is literally about a mortgage. Yes, in a magical land of nursery rhymes, the biggest threat is still property foreclosure.

Barnaby is the guy holding the mortgage, and he is the ultimate creep. He wants to marry Little Bo-Peep, who is clearly way too young for him, and he wears this black cape like a cartoon villain.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) through its definitive frames.

Henry Brandon plays Barnaby, and get this—he was only 21 years old here. He looks like a mean 70-year-old landlord, which is just incredible makeup work and acting.

Stan and Ollie are at their absolute peak of being lovable idiots. My favorite bit is early on when Stan keeps messing up the toy order for Santa Claus.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) through its definitive frames.

Instead of making six hundred toy soldiers that are six inches tall, he makes one hundred soldiers that are six feet tall. It is a dumb joke but the way Stan looks so proud of himself makes me laugh every single time.

The tone shifts so fast in the second half. It goes from a silly musical to a straight-up home invasion horror movie.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) through its definitive frames.

Barnaby unleashes the Bogeymen, and they are genuinely terrifying. They look like giant, hairy monkeys with long claws and they just start trashing Toyland.

It reminds me a bit of the weird, spooky vibes in Spooky Spooks, where the comedy has this dark edge to it. You do not really see kids movies like this anymore.

Cinematic perspective: Exploring the visual vocabulary of March of the Wooden Soldiers (1934) through its definitive frames.

There is this one shot where a Bogeyman tries to grab a baby from a cradle. Like, whoa, this is supposed to be a fun holiday film!

But then the giant wooden soldiers march out to save the day. The stop-motion is jerky and perfect, and the music gets stuck in your head for days.

Honestly, the pacing is a bit messy in the middle, and some of the singing scenes drag on. I usually skip the romantic duets because they are pretty boring compared to the giant toy soldiers throwing rocks.

Still, it is a total classic that feels like a beautiful fever dream. If you have never seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it tonight. 🍿

Some random thoughts I scribbled down:

• Why does the Mickey Mouse lookalike look so cursed?
• The scene where Ollie gets dunked in the pond goes on for an awkwardly long time.
• Stan's pocket game with the peewees is actually mind-bending.