Tarzan and the Green Goddess: A total mess of a jungle trek

Is this actually watchable?

Honestly, only if you’re a glutton for punishment or have a weird obsession with 1930s jungle serials. It’s for the folks who find joy in really questionable editing and acting that’s somewhere between a stage play and a frantic pantomime. If you want a smooth story, you’re going to hate this. Like, a lot. 🐒

The whole thing feels like someone took a pair of scissors to a longer story and just started taping the pieces back together while blindfolded. Scenes just stop. Other scenes start in the middle of a sentence. It’s dizzying.

The jungle is... very dry

Tarzan here, played by Bruce Bennett, has this stiff, upright energy that makes me think he’s more comfortable in a boardroom than a canopy. He’s not exactly the primal wild man you might expect. He’s more like a polite neighbor who wandered into the Amazon by mistake. 🌴

There’s this moment where they’re supposedly deep in the 'Green Goddess' territory, but the background looks suspiciously like a local park in California. You can practically hear the cars honking in the distance if you try hard enough.

Odd bits and pieces

• The sound quality is rough. Sometimes the dialogue sounds like it’s being whispered into a tin can from three rooms away.
• The animals look bored. Seriously, there’s a monkey in one shot that just stares directly at the camera for five seconds like it’s waiting for a paycheck.
• The action scenes? They rely heavily on people falling over. A lot.

It’s weirdly fascinating to compare this to something like The Unknown Cavalier. Both have that 'made on a shoestring' vibe, but at least that one has a clearer sense of direction. This one? It’s just running on fumes and jungle vines.

Also, the plot about the 'Green Goddess' is barely there. It’s just an excuse to get people to walk through bushes and look surprised at things that aren't there. At one point, a guy finds a statue and looks so confused I’m pretty sure he didn’t know what the prop was supposed to be. 🗿

I’ve seen Alexander Hamilton, and while that’s a totally different beast, it at least feels like a finished movie. Tarzan and the Green Goddess is more like a rough draft that got released by accident. It's not the worst thing ever, but don't expect a masterpiece. Just expect to be confused.