The Crime Patrol (1936) review - 82 cents for a date? Sign me up.

If you love dusty 1930s B-movies where guys in trench coats talk incredibly fast, you will probably dig The Crime Patrol. But if you need actual logic or high-budget action, you are going to absolutely hate this. 🍿

It is the kind of movie you put on when you are half-asleep on a Sunday afternoon. It is short, kinda dumb, and very comforting.

The whole thing starts with Bob Neal, played by Ray Walker, who is a prizefighter. He owes money to a gangster named Vic Santell for "training expenses," which is classic old-movie code for "we need a conflict immediately."

Santell tells Bob to take a dive in the fourth round. Bob is totally going to do it too, until his opponent starts taunting him in the ring.

Honestly, the opponent is so annoying that Bob just forgets the mob exists and knocks him out. 🥊 I love that his pride is way more important than his physical safety.

Right after that, Bob decides the boxing life is too messy. So, naturally, he just joins the police force the next day.

The career transition in this movie happens so fast it makes your head spin. One minute he is in boxing shorts, the next he is wearing a shiny police badge.

My absolute favorite part of the movie is the date scene with nurse Mary Prentiss, played by Geneva Mitchell. They go to a drive-in restaurant and the total bill comes out to eighty-two cents.

Eighty-two cents! I know it was the Depression, but seeing that written out is just wild.

The movie gets a bit slow in the middle, almost like those old shorts like Helpmates where the plot just spins its wheels for a bit. There is some weird edits here too, where characters seem to teleport across rooms.

But then we get to the main event: fur thieves.

Why was every criminal in the 1930s obsessed with stealing furs? It is always warehouse full of coats.

The final shootout in the warehouse is pretty fun, even if the gunshots sound like wooden planks clapping together. Bob and his cop buddies just run in there and start blasting.

Some weird details I noticed:

• The gangster's mustache looks like it was drawn on with a very dry marker.
• One of the police officers in the background looks like he is about to fall asleep during a briefing.
• Mary's nurse outfit is incredibly clean, like she has never actually worked a day in a hospital.

It is not a masterpiece, obviously. It feels a bit like His Vacation in how rushed and cheap the production feels.

But there is something so honest about these quickie black-and-white dramas. They did not try to change the world; they just wanted to give you 60 minutes of quick entertainment.

If you can find it for free on YouTube, it is definitely worth a watch. Just do not expect anything mind-blowing.