The Guardsman Review: A fake beard and a whole lot of ego

You should probably watch The Guardsman if you enjoy watching people make their own lives way more complicated than they need to be. It’s perfect for anyone who likes witty, fast-talking dialogue and doesn't mind that the whole thing feels like a filmed stage play.

If you hate movies where characters just stand in rooms and talk about their feelings for ninety minutes, you will likely find this insufferable. It’s very theatrical, which makes sense since the leads were a legendary real-life theater couple. 🎭

Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontanne play 'The Actor' and 'The Actress.' They don't even have proper names, which tells you everything you need to know about their egos.

The husband is convinced his wife is about to cheat on him. His solution isn't to talk to her like a normal person, obviously.

Instead, he decides to disguise himself as a Russian Guardsman. He puts on this massive, bushy beard that looks like it might have a life of its own. 🧔

He comes back to his own house acting like a totally different guy. He uses a heavy accent that is honestly a bit much, but it’s part of the charm.

The whole movie hinges on one question: Does she actually know it's him? There’s this scene by the window where she’s looking at him, and for a second, you see this tiny smirk on her face.

It made me think of the silly energy in Flirty Four-Flushers, but with way more expensive furniture. Everything in their apartment looks like it costs more than my car.

Alfred Lunt is doing A LOT of acting here. He’s constantly posing and throwing his arms around like he’s playing to the back row of a theater.

It’s a bit exhausting, but it fits the character. He’s a guy who literally cannot stop performing for a single second.

Then you have Lynn Fontanne, who is much more subtle. She does this thing with her eyes where she looks bored and fascinated at the same time.

I found myself staring at her costumes more than listening to the plot sometimes. She has these amazing gowns that probably weighed thirty pounds.

There is a supporting character played by Roland Young who is basically there to tell the husband he’s being a moron. We all need a friend like that.

Young is so dry and sarcastic. He’s the only thing keeping the movie grounded when the leads start floating off into their own drama. 🍸

The pacing gets a little weird in the middle. There is a long sequence at the opera that feels like it goes on forever.

I actually checked my phone during that part. It didn't have the same tension as something like Black Waters, even though it's trying to be suspenseful in a romantic way.

One thing that really stuck out to me was the sound. This was 1931, so you can hear the hiss of the microphones sometimes.

It gives it this cozy, dusty feeling. Like you’re watching something you found in an attic.

The scene where he’s trying to put on the beard is actually pretty funny. He’s so nervous he’s shaking, and you can see the glue reflecting the studio lights.

It’s those little messy details that make these old movies feel real. If it was too perfect, it wouldn't be as fun.

I kept wondering if the wife was just playing along because she was bored. Imagine your husband shows up in a costume and you have to pretend you don't know it's him just to keep the peace.

That is some high-level patience. Or maybe she’s just as crazy as he is.

The ending is... well, it’s a bit of a letdown if you want a clear answer. But that’s the point, I guess.

It leaves you arguing with whoever you watched it with. My cat didn't have much of an opinion, but I was annoyed for at least ten minutes.

Random notes from my notebook:

• Zasu Pitts is in this for about five minutes as a maid and she’s great as always.
• The husband’s Russian accent sounds vaguely like he’s choking on a grape.
• The lighting in the final bedroom scene is actually really beautiful and moody.
• I wish there were more movies about people being this extra about their marriage.

It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s definitely not boring. It has a lot more life in it than The Guilt of Silence, which is way too heavy for a Tuesday night.

If you can get past the stagey feel, it’s a solid pick. Just don't try the beard trick at home; it probably won't work as well as it does for Alfred Lunt. ✌️