The Pearls of the Crown (1937) review: A wonderfully smug historical romp

Should you watch this 1937 French oddity called The Pearls of the Crown tonight? Honestly, yes, if you love fast history jokes and don't mind reading subtitles while three guys talk directly to the camera.

But if you hate stagey old movies where actors smirk at their own cleverness, you will absolutely loathe this. 🙄

The whole plot is basically a big chase after seven matched pearls. Four of them ended up on the British crown, but the other three got lost in the cracks of time, so three dudes from different countries decide to track them down.

It is written and directed by Sacha Guitry, who also plays like four different roles because his ego was probably massive. He has this incredibly smug, charming face that makes you want to either hug him or throw a shoe at the screen.

There is a scene where Mary Queen of Scots is getting her head chopped off, but the movie is way more interested in her jewelry than her actual neck. It is so dark but played for laughs.

This definitely isn't some quiet, slow-burning classic like The Lure of Crooning Water. No, this thing flies by like a hyperactive theatre kid on espresso.

I love how the languages keep switching constantly. One guy speaks French, another English, and another Italian, and they all just understand each other perfectly without any translation lag. It makes no sense but it is wonderful.

There is this ridiculously long shot of a papal chamberlain looking through old dusty books. The dust looks so real on the lens you almost want to sneeze. 🤧

This isn't a straight-forward Hollywood romance like Adventure either. It's more like a series of sketches where famous historical figures show up, do something silly, and then vanish.

The middle section drags a bit when they get to the 19th century. I honestly stopped paying attention for about five minutes because some guy was explaining shipping routes.

But then Jean-Louis Barrault shows up as a young Bonaparte and he looks so intensely focused it’s hilarious. He has these eyes that look like they could burn a hole right through the camera lens. 😳

It ends on a modern cruise ship, because of course it does. The whole thing is just a big, expensive excuse for Guitry to dress up and play history with his friends.

Is it a perfect masterpiece? Probably not, but it's way more fun than your history teacher's documentaries.