The Sporck Battalion: A weird, fishy drama

Is this worth your time?

Look, if you are the kind of person who enjoys watching old-school rural dramas where everyone is constantly worried about their 'honor,' you might get a kick out of The Sporck Battalion. If you need pacing that feels like it was edited in this century, you are going to hate it. It’s definitely for the crowd that likes their melodrama served with a side of damp, river-side tension.

The whole thing hinges on a fisherman’s daughter taking the blame for a poaching incident. It’s supposed to be noble, I guess? But half the time, you’re just wondering why she’s so intent on saving the skin of an officer who is clearly obsessed with illegal fishing.

Oddly specific details

There is a scene near the middle where the dialogue gets so stiff you could use it as a ruler. The way the officers carry themselves—like they’re holding a secret treasure rather than just standing in a field—is unintentionally funny. One of them, in particular, looks like he’s about to burst if he has to hear one more word about the local catch.

The cinematography is… well, it exists. It’s very grey. Very wet. Sometimes the camera lingers on the water for so long you start to think the movie is actually about the river, not the people. Maybe it is? I don't know.

Compared to other stuff

It doesn't have the punchy energy of The Last Mile, which feels like a different universe entirely. It’s more in the vein of A Clouded Name, where everything feels just a little bit too heavy for its own good. You can feel the weight of the moral dilemma, but it’s mostly just exhausting.

The interaction between the daughter and the officers is the highlight, mostly because of how uncomfortable they seem to be with each other. It’s like they were directed to stand at least three feet apart at all times to prevent any actual chemistry from happening.

• The uniforms look like they’ve never seen a day of work in their lives.
• The fisherman character is the only one who seems to be having any fun.
• There is a lot of staring at fences. Like, a lot of staring at fences.

I left the movie feeling like I’d just finished a long, slightly damp walk. It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s definitely not something I’d suggest for a Friday night. Unless you really, really like old fishing stories.