Volldampf voraus! is a weird, dusty relic

Is this worth your time?

Honestly, only if you are a completionist for early German sound-era films or have a weird obsession with nautical drama. If you’re looking for a breezy evening watch, you will probably hate this. It’s heavy, it’s slow, and it smells like mothballs.

Volldampf voraus! isn't exactly the kind of movie you put on while multitasking. You have to really commit to the pacing, which is to say, the pacing is basically a suggestion.

The whole thing takes place on a ship, obviously. There’s a lot of standing around on deck looking like you’ve got something important to say. Sometimes they actually do say something, but mostly it’s just intense staring into the distance. 🚢

I found myself wondering if the actors were just trying to remember their lines or if they were genuinely bored. There is this one scene—I think it’s about halfway through—where someone drops a cup and the sound effect is just… so loud. It’s like they recorded it in a hollow box. It made me jump, which was the most excitement I’d had in twenty minutes.

If you've seen something like The Cure, you might expect a bit more snap. This isn't that. It’s more like watching a play that forgot it was supposed to be a movie. The camera stays in one place for so long you can practically count the dust motes in the air.

Some random notes I scribbled:

• The lighting is either pitch black or blindingly white. There is no in-between.
• The mustaches on these guys are truly a commitment to the craft.
• Why is there always a scene where someone is just reading a letter while the music swells?
• I swear the ship doesn't move. It's just painted backdrops.

It’s not as chaotic as Fast and Furious, that’s for sure. It’s much more concerned with dignity. Maybe a bit too much. It lacks that spark that makes a story feel alive. It feels like a historical footnote that’s been stretched into an hour and a half.

I caught myself looking at my phone around the forty-minute mark. Not because I’m rude, but because the conversation on screen had drifted into something so dry it could have been a weather report. Still, there’s a strange charm to it. It’s so unapologetically itself. It doesn't care if you're entertained. It just wants to be a movie about a boat.

If you want something lighter, go check out The Lottery Man instead. You'll thank me later. Or don't! Just keep staring at the ocean with these guys. 🌊