Item: You Can Be Had
Rating: 7
Author: Archivist John

Wait, what am I watching?

If you have any patience for old, grainy, and just plain baffling cinema, you might actually get a kick out of You Can Be Had. It’s essentially a Mae West-style melodrama, but the cast is entirely monkeys. Yes, monkeys in little suits. If the idea of a primate trying to emote while wearing a fedora makes you want to turn the TV off, stay away. If you find yourself staring at your screen wondering how the heck they filmed this, you’re in for a treat.

The whole thing feels like a fever dream from the thirties. The plot is standard stuff—a nightclub singer, a raid, a secret identity—but the delivery is just… different. Watching a monkey try to look "tough" as a detective is the kind of thing that makes you question why we ever stopped making weird experimental shorts like this.

It’s not as polished as something like Colleen, but it has that raw, chaotic energy that you just don't get anymore. There’s a scene where the lead "star" is supposed to be heartbroken, and the monkey just looks around like it’s waiting for a banana. It’s genuinely funny, though probably not for the reasons the filmmakers intended back then. 🐒

Oddly Specific Notes:

The costume department deserves an award for getting a tie on a monkey without it immediately being shredded.
The lighting in the "nightclub" is surprisingly moody for a production where the actors are probably being paid in peanuts.
There's a moment where the "detective" stares directly into the lens and I swear he was judging my life choices.
It reminds me a little of the absurdity found in All That Glitters Is Not Goldfish, just with more fur and less water.

The pacing is all over the place, which is fine because the movie is over before you can even get annoyed. It doesn't try to be profound. It just tries to be a melodrama with monkeys, and it hits that mark perfectly.

Honestly? I’ve seen worse things win awards. Sometimes you just need to see a monkey in a dress to remind you that film is allowed to be completely ridiculous. 🎥