The Global Archive For Devotees of The Agonies of Agnes: Cult Guide

The The Agonies of Agnes Phenomenon

By merging cult status with cult tropes, it to elevate cult to the level of high art.

Aggie is a tiny tot, weighing some two hundred, with a fondness for mixed ale. Her father is a baker, who hands out plaster of Paris bread to the poor and her mother is constantly in tears over the agonies of Agnes. Cuthbert Caramel, Aggie's wooer, comes to call with a bouquet for her. Aggie is overjoyed, makes love to Cuthbert and floors him with her tempestuous embrace. On that fatal visit, Aggie discovers the one weakness of the otherwise perfect Cuthbert - he takes snuff. She at once has another agony, her young heart is about to break. She sends him from her, crying, "Must this love depart from my life?" Then she "ags" considerably till her distracted father and mother give her mixed ale and she is herself again, though a bit woozy. The villain is the Itching Mitt, served by a gang of 12 desperate followers who pass their idle time knitting. The Itching Mitt resolves to become the husband of Aggie's money, summons his gang to his for be-draped den and reveals his dark plot to "get" Aggie by putting Beevo into her ale. So on the fatal evening when Cuthbert is calling on Aggie and they chew a stick candy from the box he has brought her, the Mitt calls as a representative of the Food Commission. Aggie is taken with the handsome stranger and Cuthbert departs in a huff. The Mitt offers Aggie ale, slyly drops Beevo into her glass and she succumbs. He summons the waiting gang, who leap in at the window and make off with the limp Aggie, down over the front porch via two large and conspicuous ladders. They toss her into a wagon and rush her to the den of the Mitt. There Aggie comes to, "ags" considerably, to the amusement of the gang, who "agg" her on till the Mitt sets about subduing her proud spirit. She wallops the Mitt and all the gang, till they bind her and give her the ale torture - setting the ale in sight, without allowing her to drink, till the maddened woman promises to marry Mitt and he lets her drink. Meantime the father and mother find the note left by Mitt in their parlor, call the great detective and break the news to Cuthbert who is overcome. The great detective reaches the den of the Mitt armed with powerful Limburger cheese, whose virtues he has been investigating for long time. With the cheese in his hand and a clothes pin on nose, the detective bursts into the Mitt's den, followed closely by the trembling Cathbert. Just as the Mitt proclaims in triumph, while Aggie swills ale, "She's mine - Cheese Mine!" the cheese overcomes the Mitt and his gang and Aggie falls into the arms of her Cathbert.