Anthony Adverse is a long, weird ride through the 18th century

If you have about two and a half hours to kill and you really like old-fashioned costumes, this is totally worth a watch.

It’s perfect for people who love those big, sweeping stories that feel like reading a thick novel on a rainy Sunday. If you hate slow movies where people talk in very proper English and wear too much powder, you will probably loathe this one.

I went into this expecting a simple romance, but it’s actually more of a travel log with some drama sprinkled on top.

The movie starts with a carriage ride that feels like it takes ten minutes just to get down a hill. I actually checked my watch during the first scene because the horses were moving so slow.

Fredric March plays Anthony, and he has this very intense way of staring into the distance like he’s trying to remember if he left the stove on. He’s an orphan who gets raised by a kind merchant played by Edmund Gwenn.

The whole setup is basically about Anthony trying to figure out who he is while everyone else tries to steal his inheritance. It’s a lot of plot for one movie to handle.

I found myself getting a bit lost during the middle section when he goes to Africa. It feels like a completely different movie for about thirty minutes.

Suddenly, we aren’t in Italy anymore, and Anthony is running a slave trading post, which is a bit of a bummer to watch. The tone shifts so fast it gave me a little bit of whiplash.

One thing I noticed is how clean everything looks for the 1700s. Even the mud looks like it was placed there by a professional decorator.

Claude Rains is in this, and he is easily the best part of the whole thing. He plays the villain, Don Luis, and he has this sneer that makes you want to boo at the screen.

He’s just so good at being a jerk. Every time he’s on screen, the movie gets about 20% more interesting.

Then there is Gale Sondergaard, who won an Oscar for this. She plays Faith, and she has these eyes that follow you around the room. She doesn’t even have to say much to be creepy.

I liked the scenes in the merchant’s house the most. They felt cozy, like a Matinee Ladies type of vibe where everyone is just having tea and plotting things.

The romance with Angela, played by Olivia de Havilland, is... okay. She’s very pretty and sings a lot, but they are separated for so much of the movie that I forgot why they liked each other.

They meet, they fall in love in about five minutes, and then he leaves for years. It’s that classic movie logic where one look is enough to last a lifetime.

There’s a scene where Anthony is talking to a priest, and the lighting is so dramatic it looks like a painting. But then the priest starts talking and it goes on for way too long.

I think the script could have used a good trim. Some of these conversations just loop around the same point.

The music is everywhere, too. It never really stops, even when people are just walking down stairs.

It’s very loud and very busy. It reminds me of the energy in Old Loves and New, where the music does all the heavy lifting for the emotions.

I did appreciate the small details, like the way the inkwells looked on the desks. Someone spent a lot of time finding the right pens for this movie.

There is also a weird scene with a goat that made me laugh. I don’t think it was supposed to be funny, but the goat looked very confused to be in a movie.

The ending feels a bit rushed, which is funny because the rest of the movie is so slow. It’s like they realized they were running out of film and had to wrap it up.

Anthony just kind of makes a big decision and then the movie is over. I was left sitting there wondering what happened to half the side characters.

It’s definitely not a perfect film. It’s messy and it tries to do too much at once.

But there is something charming about how big it is. They really don't make them like this anymore, probably because it would cost a billion dollars now.

If you’re looking for a quick story, maybe check out The Museum instead. That one doesn't require a nap in the middle.

But if you want to see a guy go from Italy to Africa to Cuba and back, Anthony is your man. Just make sure you have a comfortable chair.

I noticed some of the background actors in the Paris scenes looked like they were just waiting for lunch. One guy in the back was just staring at a wall while a riot was happening.

It’s those little things that make these old epics fun to watch. It feels like a real production with thousands of people moving around.

Also, the costumes for the women are incredible. I don’t know how they walked through doors with those skirts.

It has that grand scale you see in A Daughter of the City, but with more budget. You can see the money on the screen in every shot.

I’ll probably forget most of the plot by next week, but I’ll remember Claude Rains' cape. That thing was a work of art.

Overall—wait, I shouldn't say overall. In short, it’s a big, dusty, beautiful mess of a movie. 🎬