Why Beau Hunks is still the best way to spend 40 minutes

You should probably watch Beau Hunks today if you need a break from movies that try too hard to be deep. It’s perfect for anyone who likes seeing two grown men act like confused toddlers in the desert. If you hate old black-and-white slapstick or think "funny walks" are beneath you, you’ll likely find this annoying within five minutes.

It starts with Ollie crying. He’s really leaning into it. He’s been dumped by a girl named "Jeanie-Weenie." It’s such a stupid name, and he says it with so much tragic weight that I actually laughed out loud at my laptop.

Stan is just there. He’s trying to be helpful but he’s mostly just making everything worse. They decide the only way to forget a girl is to join the French Foreign Legion. Because that's a normal reaction to a breakup in 1931.

The transition to the desert is sudden. One minute they are in a room, the next they are marching in the sand. The desert doesn't even look like a real desert half the time. It looks like they found a big pile of dirt behind a studio and told everyone to start walking.

There is this one scene where they are marching. They just keep marching. It goes on for so long it stops being funny, then becomes funny again, then gets kind of hypnotic. The music is this repetitive military tune that will get stuck in your head for three days. Sorry about that.

The Jeanie-Weenie Twist

The best part of the whole movie is the photo. Ollie carries a picture of his lost love everywhere. He shows it to the Commandant. Then he shows it to other soldiers.

It turns out everyone in the Legion joined because of the same girl. Every single one of them has the same photo. It is such a cynical, weird joke for a movie that feels this light. It’s like the movie is saying everyone is chasing the same impossible dream, or maybe Jeanie-Weenie just had a very busy social calendar.

The girl in the photo is actually Jean Harlow. She doesn't have a speaking role. She’s just a prop. It’s a weird way to use a star, but it works for the gag.

The pacing is a bit clunky. It feels like two or three short sketches stitched together with some glue and desert sand. Some bits linger way too long, like when they are trying to get their gear sorted. But then you get a moment of pure gold, like Stan’s face when he realizes he’s stuck in the middle of nowhere.

The battle at the end is pure chaos. They are defending a fort against "Riffians." The leader of the bad guys is played by Charles Middleton. He’s great because he looks so genuinely mean while Stan is accidentally defeating his army with tacks. Yes, literal thumb tacks on the floor.

It’s a bit like watching a live-action cartoon. There’s no real danger. Even when guns are firing, you know nobody is actually going to get hurt in a way that matters. It’s oddly comforting.

I noticed the sound is a bit fuzzy in certain parts. Sometimes the dialogue gets swallowed by the wind noise, but you don't really need to hear what they are saying to get the joke. Their bodies do all the talking. Ollie’s disgusted look at the camera is a whole language on its own.

If you’ve seen something like The American Beauty, you know that 1920s and 30s films can sometimes be a bit stiff. But Laurel and Hardy have this rhythm that feels modern. They aren't trying to be "actors." They are just being themselves, which is much harder to do.

The ending is abrupt. They just kind of win and that’s it. No big emotional payoff. No lessons learned. Ollie probably still misses Jeanie-Weenie. Stan probably still doesn't know where he is. It’s perfect.

Random things I wrote down:

• Ollie’s singing voice is actually surprisingly decent?
• The way they march out of step is a work of art.
• Why does Stan have so many tacks in his pocket? Don't ask.
• The sand looks very itchy. I felt itchy just watching it.
• The Commandant has a very impressive mustache that deserves its own credit.
• The scene where they are lost in the sandstorm is clearly just a bunch of fans blowing dust at them. You can see them squinting for real.

It’s not a masterpiece. It’s not trying to change your life. It’s just a very solid way to see two masters of comedy do their thing before movies got too complicated. Give it a watch when you're tired and don't want to think. It’s better than most things on Netflix right now anyway.