Joan Crawford's eyes are doing all the heavy lifting in Our Modern Maidens

If you have any interest in seeing Joan Crawford before she became the 'scary' version of Joan Crawford, you should probably watch this. It is a 1929 silent film, but it feels like it’s screaming to be a talkie. It is definitely worth a watch if you like Art Deco furniture and people who stare at each other intensely for three minutes straight. People who hate slow pacing or 'over-acting' will probably want to throw thier remote at the screen though.

Joan plays Billie, and she is just... vibrating with energy in every scene. She’s the ultimate flapper. She has these huge eyes that seem to take up half her face.

The plot is kind of a headache if you think about it too hard. Billie wants her fiancé, Gil, to get a big job in South America. So, naturally, she decides the best way to do this is to flirt with a much older diplomat named Glenn. Logic!

Douglas Fairbanks Jr. plays Gil, and he looks like a literal child. It is kind of funny seeing him try to be a serious leading man here. Especially since he and Joan were actually married in real life when they filmed this. You can see a bit of that real-life spark, maybe? Or maybe it is just the bright studio lights.

There is this one scene at a party where Joan does impressions of other movie stars. She does a Marion Davies bit that is actually pretty spot on. It is a weirdly meta moment for a movie from 1929.

The sets are absolutely wild. Every room looks like it was designed by someone who had a fever dream about triangles and glass. I spent way too much time looking at the lamps in the background instead of the plot. The style is the real star here.

Then you have Anita Page playing 'Kentucky,' the best friend. She is supposed to be the sweet one, I guess? She and Gil fall for each other while Billie is busy 'working' the diplomat.

It feels a bit like Married Life but with a much higher budget for sequins. Or maybe a more dramatic version of The Winning of Sally Temple.

The diplomat guy, Glenn, is actually the most likable person in the movie. He seems genuinely nice, which makes Billie look kind of like a jerk for stringing him along. You kind of feel bad for the guy. He’s just trying to do his job and maybe find love, and he gets caught in this weird flapper trap.

The way they handle the heartbreak is very... 1920s. Lots of clutching at curtains and looking off into the distance. It’s melodramma with a capital M.

One specific detail I loved: the way Joan holds her cigarette. It’s not just smoking; it’s like she’s performing a ritual. She has these long, thin fingers that just make everything look expensive.

There is a scene where they are all at a lake or something? And the lighting gets really soft. It’s one of the few moments where the movie stops being 'loud' and actually feels a bit intimate.

But then we’re back to the party! More dancing! More shaking shoulders!

I noticed the title cards are actually pretty clever. They don't over-explain everythign. They let the faces do the talking, which is good because these actors have a lot of face to give.

The ending is very abrupt. It’s like the director realized they only had five minutes of film left and needed to marry everyone off. It doesn't really feel earned, but I guess that’s how these things went back then.

If you’ve seen Thais, you know how these 'glamour' movies can sometimes feel a bit empty. This one has a bit more soul, mostly because Joan Crawford is a force of nature. Even when the script is thin, she is doing 100%.

The costumes are just... wow. I think Billie changes her outfit every four minutes. The hats alone deserve an Oscar. Even if Oscars weren't really a big thing yet.

Is it a great movie? Not really. It’s a bit of a soap opera. But it is a very pretty soap opera.

Sometimes you just want to watch beautiful people in 1929 making terrible life choices. And this movie delivers that in spades. 🥂

I did find it weird how no one seemed to care about thier actual jobs. They just hang out at parties and talk about 'destiny.' Must be nice.

Anyway, watch it for the Art Deco and the eyebrows. Skip it if you want a deep meditation on the human condition. It’s just not that kind of party.