Paradise Island is a weird, sweaty 1930s tropical mess

If you have about an hour to kill and you like movies where the sets look like they were made of cardboard and actual palm fronds, Paradise Island is worth a look. It’s mostly for people who enjoy those really early talkies where everyone shouts their lines at a hidden microphone in a potted plant.

If you want something fast-paced or modern, you will probably hate this. It moves like molasses in January.

Ellen Bradford shows up in Tonga looking for her fiancé, but the guy is a complete wreck. He’s played by Gladden James, and he spends most of his screen time looking like he just woke up in a dumpster.

It’s kind of funny because Ellen seems more annoyed than heartbroken. She just sort of shrugs and realizes she’s the only white woman on the whole island, which in 1930s movie logic means every man there is about to lose their mind over her.

You’ve got Dutch Mike Lutze, played by Tom Santschi, who is just the greasiest villain you can imagine. He looks like he hasn’t washed his face in three weeks, and he’s constantly sneering at everyone.

Then there is Jim Thorne. He’s the "hero" because he’s a gentlemanly pirate, which is a weird combination if you think about it for more then a second.

Kenneth Harlan plays Jim with this very stiff, upright posture that makes him look like he’s wearing a back brace under his tropical shirt. He’s the only one who can stand up to Dutch Mike, mostly because he’s better at being macho.

The movie really hangs on this idea that Ellen is a prize to be won. It’s pretty uncomfortable by today's standards, but that was the vibe back then.

The middle of the movie drags quite a bit. There are a lot of scenes of people just sitting around in hats talking about pearls and plantations.

I noticed one scene where a character is supposed to be drinking, but the glass is clearly empty. He even does a little "ah" sound like it was refreshing, which made me laugh out loud. 😂

It reminds me of some other movies from that era, like The Rip-Tide, but with less water and more yelling. Or maybe The Huntress if you replaced the forest with a beach that looks like a sandbox.

The Poker Game

The whole thing leads up to this insane poker game. They aren't just playing for money or the plantation; they are literally betting Ellen’s future and a bunch of pearls.

• Dutch Mike has a marked deck, which the camera shows us in a very slow, dramatic close-up.
• The tension is supposed to be high, but the actors take so long to look at their cards that I almost forgot whose turn it was.
• There is a character named Poppi who is basically the "consolation prize" for the loser, which is just... wow.

The way the cards are dealt feels very rehearsed. You can tell they were worried about the microphone picking up the sound of the shuffling.

There is also this weird obsession with the fact that Ellen is the only white woman there. The movie mentions it like four or five times just in case you forgot.

I found myself wondering how they kept their clothes so white in a place that looks that dusty. Ellen’s outfits are incredibly crisp for someone living in a shack in Tonga.

The villain, Dutch Mike, is definitely the best part of the movie. Tom Santschi just leans into being a jerk so hard that it becomes the only reason to keep watching.

One reaction shot of him losing a hand lasts so long I thought the film had frozen. He just stares into the middle distance with this look of pure confusion.

It’s not a good movie, exactly. But it’s a very honest look at what people thought was entertaining 90 years ago.

The sound quality is pretty rough in the version I saw. There’s a constant buzzing sound that makes it feel like there’s a beehive behind the screen.

Also, the ending is very abrupt. One guy wins, one guy loses, and then it’s basically over before you can even process who got the plantation.

"He knows how to be a gentleman, especially to the only white woman in town."

That line from the plot summary really tells you everything you need to know about the movie's priorities. It’s very much a product of its time, for better or (mostly) worse.

If you like seeing how early cinema struggled with dialogue, check it out. Otherwise, you might find more excitement watching paint dry in a humid room.

I did like the hats, though. Everyone had a very solid hat game back then.

It’s a bit like Phroso in how it tries to be adventurous but ends up being a bit clumsy. Or The Beloved Vagabond if that movie had more cheating at cards and less wandering around.

The background extras in the village scenes look like they have no idea what’s going on. Half of them are just standing there watching the actors work, which makes it feel like a high school play.

Final thought: Dutch Mike deserves a spin-off where he just cheats at games in different locations. He was the only one who seemed like he was having any fun.