I sat through the weird 1929 Show of Shows revue

Is this even a movie?

Honestly, if you are looking for a story with a beginning and an end, don't even bother with this one. You will be bored out of your mind within ten minutes.

But if you are the kind of person who likes looking at old photos or wondering what people sounded like a hundred years ago, this is basically a gold mine. It is less of a film and more of a giant, sparkly junk drawer of early Hollywood history.

The whole thing is hosted by Frank Fay, who has this weird, smug energy that I couldn't quite decide if I liked or hated. He stands there in his tuxedo and makes these little jokes that probably killed in 1929 but mostly just sit there now.

I think he says 'ladies and gentlemen' about five hundred times. It starts to feel like he's trying to keep a very rowdy party from falling apart, which, to be fair, he probably was.

The movie is just act after act after act. Some of them are great, and some are just... well, they are there.

One of the first things you notice is how stiff everything feels. The camera barely moves, probably because those early sound cameras were huge and stuck in giant soundproof boxes.

It makes the whole thing feel like you are sitting in the fifth row of a theater, which was the point, I guess. It is a bit like Thais in that sense of stagey-ness, though that one was much earlier and way more silent.

Then you get to the segments where they bring out the silent stars. This was the big deal back then—seeing if the people you loved in movies like Virtuous Sinners could actually speak without sounding like a lawnmower.

Some of them do okay. Others look like they are absolutely terrified of the microphone hidden in the flower vase or wherever they put it.

The weirdest part for me was John Barrymore doing a monologue from Richard III. He is acting his heart out, really going for it with the hunched back and the intense eyes, but it feels so out of place next to the tap dancing.

It’s like he walked into the wrong room and nobody had the guts to tell him to leave. The contrast between high Shakespeare and the 'Bicycle Built for Two' number is enough to give you whiplash.

Speaking of the 'Bicycle Built for Two,' there are so many people on screen at once during that part. It’s a sea of celebrities just vaguely swaying and trying to remember the words.

I spotted Rin-Tin-Tin too. Yes, the dog. They even gave the dog a credit, though he doesn't have much to do except look confused by the bright lights.

I wonder if the dog was the only one on set who wasn't worried about his voice ruining his career. He probably just wanted a treat and to get away from the loud music.

The audio is... well, it's 1929. There is this constant hissing and popping in the background that never quite goes away.

Sometimes the voices get really loud for a second and then drop off when the actor moves their head an inch to the left. It’s kind of charming in a 'we are figuring this out as we go' sort of way.

I found myself staring at the background extras more than the stars. There is this one girl in the 'Lady of the Lake' segment who looks like she’s about to fall over from the weight of her headpiece.

It’s these little human moments that make the long runtime worth it. The costumes are insanely elaborate, full of feathers and sequins that probably looked incredible in the original Technicolor.

Most of that color is lost now, so we get this grainy, gray version of what was supposed to be a spectacle. It makes everything feel a bit ghostly, like a party that ended a long time ago and nobody cleaned up the confetti.

There’s a bit with a giant pirate ship that looks like it cost more than most people’s houses. Then they follow it up with a comedy sketch that is basically just two guys hitting each other, which feels like it belongs in something like Rip Van Winkle from years prior.

I think my favorite part was the 'Meet My Sister' song. It’s just very sweet and simple compared to the big, loud production numbers that feel like they are trying too hard to impress you.

The movie gets noticeably better if you just treat it like a background loop. You don't have to pay attention to every second to get the vibe.

By the time it gets to the big finale, you feel a bit exhausted. It’s just so much of everything.

But then you realize you just saw about 70 people who were the biggest deals in the world for a few years. And now, they are all just flickers in this weird, over-stuffed variety show.

It’s a bit sad, actually. But also kind of fun, if you don't take it too seriously.

Don't expect a masterpiece. Just expect a very loud, very crowded room full of people who are really happy to finally be heard.