The Affairs of Cellini: Fredric March is very sweaty and Frank Morgan is a mess

You should probably watch this today if you like seeing old Hollywood try to be 'naughty' without actually saying anything bad. It is a great pick for a lazy afternoon where you don't want to think too hard but want to see some really nice hats.

If you hate movies that feel like a filmed stage play, you will probably find this annoying. It's very loud and everyone talks like they are trying to be heard in the very last row of a theater.

Fredric March plays Benvenuto Cellini. He is supposed to be this legendary artist, but honestly, he just looks like he’s had about ten cups of coffee and hasn't slept in a week.

He spends the whole movie running around, jumping over things, and aggressively flirting with every woman in the room. It’s exhausting to watch him sometimes.

I found myself more interested in the Duke of Florence, played by Frank Morgan. You know him as the Wizard of Oz, and he basically does that same routine here, just 16th-century style.

He is constantly confused. He forgets what he’s doing. He tries to act tough but everyone knows he’s a total pushover.

There is this one bit where he’s trying to hide his mistress while his wife, the Duchess, is right there. The way he fumbles with his own robes is just peak physical comedy.

Constance Bennett plays the Duchess. She is so cold and sharp she could probably cut the set pieces just by looking at them.

She looks amazing in these giant, heavy gowns that look like they weigh more than she does. You can almost see her neck straining under the jewels sometimes.

The plot is kind of a mess, but it doesn't really matter. It’s a love square. Cellini wants the Duchess, the Duke wants a young girl named Angela, and the Duchess is mostly just bored and wants to be entertained.

Fay Wray is in this too, playing Angela. She’s fine, but she doesn't have much to do besides look pretty and act a little bit dim-witted.

It’s weird seeing her here after seeing her in bigger things. She feels a bit wasted, honestly.

The Visuals and the 'Vibe'

The sets look very 'studio.' You can tell the marble columns are probably just painted wood. But it works for the style of the movie.

The lighting is weirdly bright for a movie that takes place in old Florence. Even the dungeons look like they have 500-watt bulbs hidden behind the stones.

I noticed a scene where a gold plate is supposed to be this masterpiece Cellini made. It looks like spray-painted tin. Like, it’s clearly not heavy at all when they pick it up.

The pacing is fast. Very fast. People talk over each other constantly.

It reminds me a little bit of the energy in Big News, even though that’s a totally different setting. It’s that early 30s 'let's talk as fast as possible' vibe.

Sometimes the movie gets a bit too serious for a second. Cellini talks about art and the 'soul.' It feels fake. You just want the Duke to walk back in and trip over something.

There is a moment where Cellini is being held in a tower. He’s supposed to be in danger of being executed. But he just keeps making jokes and posing by the window.

The movie never lets you feel like anything bad is actually going to happen. It’s very safe in that way.

I liked the costumes more than the script. Some of the hats are just massive. I don't know how they stayed on their heads while they were running around the set.

Small Things I Noticed

• Lucille Ball has a tiny part as an extra! I had to rewind to make sure. She’s just a lady-in-waiting.
• The sound of the swords clinking is very high-pitched. It sounds like forks hitting dinner plates.
• The Duke eats a lot of fruit. Like, he’s always grabbing a grape or something while he’s talking about killing people.
• Ward Bond is in this too, but he’s so young you might miss him if you aren't looking.

If you compare this to something like The Valiant, it’s much lighter. It doesn't want to make you cry or think about the world. It just wants to show you Fredric March’s chest hair.

The ending is very abrupt. It’s like they ran out of film or the actors had to go to lunch. Everything just kind of... stops.

But that’s okay. It’s a 1934 comedy. It doesn't need a deep ending.

"I am an artist! I do not follow the rules of mortal men!" – This is basically Cellini's only personality trait for 80 minutes.

Is it a masterpiece? No. It’s a bit clunky and Fredric March is doing way too much.

But the Duke is so funny that it makes the whole thing worth it. His facial expressions when he realizes he’s been caught in a lie are just perfect.

I think the movie gets better if you stop caring about the history. It’s basically a sitcom with better clothes.

The dialogue is snappy, even if it’s a bit cheesy. "Your lips say no, but your eyes say maybe later?" That kind of stuff.

I watched this right after The American and the contrast was wild. This is so much more energetic and colorful, even in black and white.

One last thing: the way Cellini treats his apprentices is kind of funny. He just yells at them and throws things. It’s very 'angry artist' trope 101.

Anyway, it's a decent time. Just don't expect it to change your life or anything. 🏰