The Black Watch (1929) is a clunky, fascinating John Ford mess

If you want to see what happens when a silent film director gets a shiny new microphone and doesn't quite know where to hide it, watch this. It is worth seeing if you like historical oddities or if you have a soft spot for Victor McLaglen looking uncomfortable in a tuxedo.

People who want fast-paced action or a story that makes total sense will probably hate it. It is perfect for those rainy Sunday afternoons when you want to feel like you are in a time machine to 1929. 🕰️

The plot is one of those classic 'shamed soldier' stories. Captain Donald King has to pretend to be a coward so he can go on a secret mission to India while his regiment goes to France.

There is a dinner scene early on that feels like it lasts for an eternity. The sound of the silverware clinking is almost louder than the actual talking.

I think the sound engineers were just so excited to record anything back then. You can practically hear the air in the room buzzing.

McLaglen is huge, as always. He looks like he could accidentally knock over the entire set if he turned around too fast.

The way his friends look at him when they think he is a deserter is actually quite sad. It’s that very old-fashioned British 'stiff upper lip' type of disappointment that hurts to watch. 🥃

It reminded me a bit of the tension in The Claws of the Hun, but with more kilts. Actually, there are so many bagpipes in this movie.

If you don't like bagpipes, you are going to have a very bad time. They play them at dinner, they play them in the mountains, they play them whenever there is a silent moment.

Then the movie moves to India, or at least a version of India built on a Hollywood backlot. It looks like it was made of cardboard and very strong hopes.

We meet Yasmani, played by a very young Myrna Loy. She is supposed to be this mysterious goddess of a hidden cult in the hills.

She looks incredible, though. Her costumes are way more detailed than anything else in the movie. ✨

The way she looks at the camera makes the rest of the stiff acting feel a bit more alive. But the dialogue she has to say is... well, it is not great.

Most of the actors stand perfectly still while they talk. This is because the microphones were hidden in things like flower pots or behind curtains.

If they moved two inches to the left, their voice would just disappear. It makes the whole movie feel like a school play where everyone is afraid to forget their marks.

I noticed a guy in the background of one barracks scene who just kept staring at the ceiling. He looked like he was wondering if he left his oven on at home. 🏠

The action scenes are a bit of a mess, too. People fall down before the guns even go off sometimes.

It has that same 'trying really hard' energy you see in Nearly a King. It wants to be an epic adventure, but it keeps tripping over its own feet.

I liked the part where King has to deal with his brother. It adds a little bit of real heart to a story that is mostly about 'duty' and 'honor.'

But then the brother just kind of stops being important. The movie doesn't really know how to juggle all its characters.

I kept thinking about Where's My Wandering Boy Tonight? while watching the family stuff. But this is much more focused on the military side of things.

The ending is very abrupt. It feels like the director just decided they had enough footage and went home for the day.

There is no big 'I told you so' moment where King proves he isn't a coward to everyone. He just sort of gets his reputation back in a quiet way.

I actually kind of liked that. It felt more honest than a big parade.

Is it a masterpiece? No, definitely not.

But it is a weirdly charming look at a studio trying to figure out how to make a 'talkie.' It is better than Betty Be Good because it actually tries to do something big.

The cave sets are actually pretty cool. The way the shadows fall makes everything look more expensive than it probably was.

It made me think of The Shadow on the Wall because of the lighting. John Ford always knew how to make a room look interesting, even when nothing was happening.

One thing that bothered me was the mustache on one of the villains. It looked like it was held on by a single piece of tape.

I spent five minutes just watching to see if it would fall off during a speech. It didn't, which was honestly a bit of a letdown. 🥸

The way the British characters talk about the local people is pretty rough to hear today. You have to remember it was 1929, but it still makes you wince a little.

If you can get past the colonial vibes and the stiff acting, there is a fun spy story hidden in here. It feels like a rough draft of the Indiana Jones movies we would get decades later.

It also reminds me of The Pioneers in how it deals with expanding into 'unknown' territory. Even if that territory is just a bunch of painted rocks in California.

I wouldn't pay a lot of money to see it, but if you find it for free online, give it a go. Just don't expect it to be a smooth ride.

The sound of the wind in the mountain scenes sounds more like a vacuum cleaner. It’s those little things that make these old movies so much fun to watch. 💨

Anyway, it’s a decent way to spend ninety minutes if you like old stuff. Just turn the volume down during the bagpipe solos.