The Millionaire Kid: A weird little relic that's surprisingly watchable

If you're into dusty, black-and-white curiosities that feel like they were made in a different universe, The Millionaire Kid is for you. If you need high-stakes drama or anything that makes logical sense for more than five minutes, you will probably hate this with a passion. It’s thin, it’s frantic, and it feels like a fever dream of 1930s screenwriting.

Tommy, our titular rich kid, is played with such earnestness that it almost hurts. When he runs away, the movie leans into that old trope where everyone assumes the worst immediately. A private detective loses the kid, lies to the mom, and suddenly we're in a kidnapping thriller. Or, well, a kidnapping comedy? It’s hard to tell.

The real surprise here is Terry Mallon, the gangster who just happens to rescue the kid from a bully. Most movies would make him a total villain, but here he’s just… a guy? He takes the kid to a beach house, shares a meal, and acts like a surrogate father while the newspapers are probably printing headlines about a missing millionaire. The tonal shift is jarring, but in a fun, don't-think-about-it-too-much way.

There is a reporter named Breezy Benson who shows up to stir the pot, and his scenes feel like they were filmed on a completely different set. The pacing is all over the place. One minute we're in a tense divorce office, the next we're watching a slapstick encounter on the sand. It reminded me a bit of the frantic energy in Mr. Bride, where you just have to strap in and go where the movie drags you.

Odd little notes from my notepad:

• The bully scene is so staged it looks like a dance rehearsal.
• I swear the background extras in the street scenes are just walking back and forth to fill space.
• The dialogue is mostly just people shouting exposition at each other.
• The beach house has way too many doors. Why so many doors?

Is it better than something like Black Fear? That’s not really the point. It’s just one of those movies you stumble upon when you’re bored, and you stay for the weird charm. It isn't trying to change cinema. It’s just trying to get from the opening credits to the closing ones without falling apart entirely.

Sometimes the movie forgets it’s about a kidnapping. It just turns into a hang-out film where a mobster and a rich kid bond over nothing in particular. It’s strange. I kinda liked it.