The Pirate of Panama (1929) - A weirdly dusty adventure

If you have a spare hour and you really like the sound of a projector humming in your head, then maybe give this a look. It is worth watching if you are the type of person who finds old film grain soothing rather than annoying.

Most people will probably hate it because it moves at the speed of a tired turtle. But if you like seeing how they did "action" before anyone knew how to edit a fight scene properly, it is kind of a hoot. 🏴‍☠️

The Pirate of Panama isn't really about pirates in the way you’d think. It is more about people talking about pirates and looking for treasure that belonged to pirates.

It starts out with this whole modern love story thing which feels very 1920s. Everyone is wearing these incredibly stiff suits and dresses that look like they’d be very itchy in the heat.

Jay Wilsey plays the hero and he has this very serious face. He looks like he’s constantly trying to remember if he left the stove on back at the hotel.

Then you have Natalie Kingston who is the leading lady. She spends a lot of time looking worried while standing next to palm trees.

I found myself getting distracted by the hats. There are so many different types of hats in this movie, it’s like a commercial for a millinery shop that went out of business eighty years ago.

The plot is basically: there is a map. Everyone wants the map. People get shoved into rooms and then they escape from the rooms.

It reminds me a bit of The Explorer but with less actual exploring and more standing around on boats. The boats don't really seem to be moving most of the time, which is hilarious if you look at the water in the background.

Al Ferguson plays the villain and honestly, he is the best part. He has this way of narrowing his eyes that makes him look like he’s smelling something really bad just off-camera.

He is way more interesting than the hero. I usually find myself rooting for the bad guys in these old serials because they actually seem to be having fun with the ridiculous dialogue.

There is this one scene where a guy gets knocked out and he falls down so slowly it’s like he’s layin' down for a nap. It took about five seconds for him to actually hit the ground.

I think I saw a dog in the background of one shot that definitely wasn't supposed to be there. It just wandered across the street while the actors were having a very serious moment about a stolen letter.

The pacing is... well, it’s a serial from 1929. It’s supposed to be exciting, but mostly it just feels like a lot of walking.

If you’ve seen Ramona, you know that 1920s movies can be really beautiful and poetic. This movie is not really trying to be poetic. It is trying to be a comic book.

The action scenes are mostly just guys grabbing each other’s shirts and spinning around. It’s very polite. Nobody really looks like they want to hurt anyone.

I liked the intertitles, though. Some of the phrasing is so dramatic it becomes funny. "The shadow of the past looms over the gold of the future!" or something like that. 📜

It makes me think of Trumpet Island in the way it tries to make a small location feel like a huge epic adventure. It doesn't quite work, but I appreciate the effort they put into the sets.

The film quality on the version I watched was pretty rough. Lots of vertical lines and flickering, like the movie was trying to blink at me.

It actually added to the vibe, though. It made the "Panama" jungle look even more mysterious and weirdly haunted.

There is a scene near a cave that goes on way too long. They just keep walking deeper into the cave, and the lighting never changes. I’m pretty sure they were just walking past the same rock over and over again.

It’s a bit like En lyckoriddare where you can tell they were really proud of their locations even if the locations are just some dirt and a couple of bushes.

I wonder what the actors thought while they were filming this. Did they think they were making a masterpiece? Probably not. It feels like a job. A fun job, but still a job.

The "modern" parts of the story are actually more boring than the pirate stuff. I wanted more hidden treasure and less people talking about their family inheritance in dusty offices.

One guy wears a monocle. You don't see enough monocles in movies these days. It kept falling out of his eye during his big speech.

I think the movie gets better if you don't try to follow the plot too closely. Just look at the clothes and the way the light hits the dusty roads.

Is it a great movie? No. Is it better than Movie Madness? Yeah, probably, because it at least tries to have a consistent story.

The ending is very abrupt. It’s like they ran out of film and just decided to stop right there. Everyone is happy, the bad guy is gone, and the screen just goes black.

I felt a little bit cheated, but also kind of relieved. My eyes were starting to hurt from all the flickering.

If you're into the history of cinema, you’ll find some neat stuff here. Like how they staged the outdoor shots to avoid the sun being too bright in the actors' eyes.

But if you want a real pirate movie with cannons and parrots, you are going to be disappointed. There are zero parrots in this movie. I checked. 🦜

Anyway, it’s a decent way to spend a rainy afternoon if you’ve already seen everything else. Just don't expect it to change your life or anything.

It's just a dusty old relic. Sometimes those are the best kind of movies to get lost in for a bit.

I’m still thinking about that guy's monocle. I hope he didn't break it.