Times Square Lady (1935) - Snappy, Messy, and Fun 30s Fluff

If you have seventy minutes to spare tonight and want some snappy, fast-talking 1930s nonsense, Times Square Lady is a fun little ride. It is perfect for anyone who loves sassy dames and guys in oversized suits, but if you need a plot that makes 100% logical sense, you will probably hate it. 🍿

So, this girl Toni (played by Virginia Bruce) inherits her dad's massive, secret sports gambling empire in New York. Naturally, all his slimy associates immediately try to rob her blind, thinking she is just a clueless country bumpkin from Iowa.

But Toni has a spine of steel, which is the best part of the movie. She gets help from a goofy songwriter, his girlfriend, and this handsome slicker played by Robert Taylor.

Actually, Robert Taylor looks so young here his mustache looks like it was drawn on with a weak pencil. He is supposed to be this smooth, dangerous operator, but he mostly just looks like a college kid playing dress-up in his dad's closet.

The movie has this great, messy energy that you do not really see anymore. It reminds me a bit of the chaotic hustle in Better Days, though with way more guns and crooked bookies.

"I don't know much about horses, but I know a lot about rats."

There is this one scene where a guy is trying to explain a massive double-cross while actively stuffing his face with a giant ham sandwich. You can barely understand what he is saying because of the bread, and the camera just lingers on him chewing for way too long.

Then we have Pinky Tomlin who plays the songwriter. He sings this incredibly corny song called "The Object of My Affection" which apparently was a real hit back then, but here it just grinds the movie to a absolute halt for three minutes.

It is like the director suddenly remembered they had a musical guest contracted and had to shove him in somewhere. Still, it is hard to be mad at a film that moves this fast.

If you are expecting some dark, gritty noir, you might want to look elsewhere, maybe check out something like Destination Unknown instead. This one is pure B-movie fluff, but the good kind.

The ending is incredibly rushed, like they realized they only had four minutes of film left in the camera and had to wrap up five different subplots. Everyone just sort of forgives each other and the bad guys get arrested off-screen.

A few things I wrote down while watching:

• The sheer amount of cigar smoke in every indoor scene is enough to give you a cough just watching it.
• Nat Pendleton playing a tough guy bodyguard who is basically just a giant, lovable dog.
• How everyone in 1935 seemed to have a rotary phone permanently glued to their hand.
• The main villain's office has the most ridiculously giant desk I have ever seen in my life.

It is not a masterpiece, but it does not try to be. It is just a quick, punchy hour of fun that makes you wish movies still had this kind of weird, unpolished charm.