Item: Venice Vamp
Rating: 5.3
Author: Archivist John

Is it worth your time?

If you like movies that feel like they were filmed in a basement after a long night of bad coffee, sure. If you need, like, a plot that makes sense or people acting like actual humans, stay far away.

This is for the weirdos. You know who you are. 🧛‍♂️

Honestly, I’m not even sure what the point of Venice Vamp is, but that’s kind of why I kept watching. Margie Hines is doing her best to carry the whole thing, but she’s fighting against a script that feels like it was written on napkins at a diner.

There’s this one scene where someone just stares at a brick wall for way too long. It’s not deep. It’s not symbolic. It’s just... long. I found myself checking my phone, then realized I was missing the weirdest part of the film.

The vibe is off, but in a fun way

Everything looks like it was shot through a dirty window. It reminds me a bit of the disjointed energy in The Soup Song, but with more capes and less actual food.

The pacing is a mess. It hits the gas for a second, then stalls out entirely. It’s like the editor fell asleep at the desk halfway through the job. 😴

The lighting is either too bright or completely dark. There is no middle ground.
The dialogue sounds like it was dubbed by someone in a different zip code.
I’m pretty sure I saw a boom mic dip into the frame twice.

It’s not as polished as Ferragus, but it’s definitely more memorable than most of the stuff coming out lately. It has this oddly empty feeling, like the set was just a bunch of cardboard boxes and hope.

I don't think the director had a plan. I don't think they had a map. They just had a camera and a weird idea, and they went for it. 🎥

You can almost feel the movie trying to convince you that this moment matters, but it really doesn't. And that’s fine! Not everything needs to be a masterpiece. Sometimes you just want to watch a vampire stumble around Venice looking confused.

Maybe it’s just me, but the whole thing feels like it belongs on a late-night cable channel in the 80s. You’d catch it at 2 AM, be totally baffled, and then never be able to find it again.

Definitely watch it with friends if you want to laugh at the weird choices. Don't watch it alone unless you want to feel like you're losing your mind.