A Million for Mary

Summary

A hot-dog hawker and a sandwich-board bard, Louie and Mike, rescue a trembling pup from a juvenile avalanche of brickbats, thereby forging a serendipitous brotherhood. Their mercy mission detours into a hash-house apothecary run by a dope-dealing druggist who, scenting a police blitz, shoves the deed—and a wide-eyed ten-year-old waif named Mary—into their calloused palms. Overnight the pair mutate from sidewalk peddlers into dubious chemists and improbable fathers, standing bewildered before benches of justice until a sentimental magistrate blesses their makeshift family. Years slither by; the pharmacy rots, the coffers thin, every copper penny sacrificed to Mary’s schooling. Enter Bob, a starry-eyed graduate whose mortarboard still smells of chalk, dispatched to apprentice under these quack saints. Love sparks between Bob and the now-blossomed Mary; the elders, terrified of penny-less passion, fling the rash suitor a challenge: conjure a million or relinquish her hand. Bob, galvanized by headlines on mind-over-matter, invents a placebo gospel—pills plus prayer—hawking hope in a bottle. A cynical Drug Trust, sniffing profit, bankrolls the hustle, catapulting our trio toward vertiginous riches. But on the eve of launch, the forgotten hound Fritz—soap-stuffed and convulsing—swallows a fistful of soporific tablets. Believing their own hype lethal, Mike and Louie, wracked by apocalyptic guilt, opt for ritual self-poisoning, drifting into a phantasmagoric afterlife trial presided over by a bemused St. Peter. Dawn’s verdict: the dog merely naps, the world clamors for miracles, and a million-dollar check materializes, transmuting gutter dreams into dowry gold.

Synopsis

Louie is the vendor of an article of diet known to the trade as "hot dog." Mike is a sandwich man, who carries the advertising legends of a tent and awning manufacturer. They observed a gang of urchins maltreating a little pup. In trying to assist the little dog Mike and Louie were treated to a bombardment of sundry loose building materials close to the hands of the small boys. But the dog was rescued and Mike and Louie were united in friendship through the common cause of the pup. Mike and Louie sought an adjacent drug store for first aid to the dog. The drug store was operated by an unprincipled person, whose chief trade was in "dope." Mike and Louie happened in just at the time the alleged druggist was apprised that a police raid impended. He was preparing for a hasty retreat. He seized the opportunity and presented Mike and Louie with the drug store until he should return if in return they would keep a little girl Mary, aged ten, who had been left to his care. Mike and Louie become owners of a drug store, guardians to the child, and masters of a pet dog. The police, not knowing that the place had changed hands, decided to raid it. Mike and Louie were dragged to court, where they had to prove that they had just come into possession of the drug store and assumed guardianship of the child. The judge commended them after a pathetic scene and Mike and Louie returned to the drug store. Eight years later the drug store is more dilapidated than ever. Mike and Louie were eking out a bare existence, giving all their money to the education and desires of Mary. Some time during the eight year lapse, Mike and Louie had acquired a clerk. Bob, who had graduated from a school of pharmacy and who had come to them to gather practical experience. Mary and Bob fell in love with each other. Things took a bad turn when the "Drug Trust" refused to grant Mike and Louie more credit. They were forced to make spurious drugs. Through an accident Mary learns of the trickery. The next day she imparted to Bob the details of her discovery. Contrary to her expectations, he laughed and told her that it was far more harmless to sell the stuff that Mike and Louie were making than the actual dope which was harmful to the customers. In the midst of the explanation Mike and Louie came in and saw the two youngsters in an embrace. They demanded that Bob stop his love making. He replied that he intended to marry Mary. He was told that if he had any business ability he would be working some place for a salary instead of with Mike and Louie for nothing, and to make the thing harder Mike suggested that before Bob marry Mary, he make a million to buy her all the little trinkets that she might want. Bob decided to make a million for Mary. Sitting in the park reading the paper, an article on the new "Science of Mind" caught his eye. He stopped to think and recalled his argument with Mary that it isn't what you take, but it is what you believe when you take it. So Bob got the great idea. Bob rushed back to the drug store and imparted his idea to Mike and Louie, who merely scoffed and asked him where he would get the money with which to advertise and distribute the wonderful pills. Bob had an idea and betook himself to the "Drug Trust" and impressed them with the fact that he had the greatest drug panacea ever discovered. They drew up a contract with him, and agreed to pay Mike and Louie one million dollars on date of distribution of the pills. An enormous system of advertising was instituted. All over the world appeared the legend, "Mike's and Louie's panacea for all ills, take a pill every hour, pray and have faith." Orders flocked in from every portion of the globe. The night before the day upon which the pills were to be released. Mike, Louie, Bob and Mary were so engrossed in their work that they forgot poor Fritz, the dog. who became hungry and ate a cake of soap. Finally he was discovered by Mike, who knew he was sick. They looked for remedies and could find none, when Louie had the great idea that if the pills could help people, they could help the dog. But Mike answered that the dog could not pray. However, they decided they would pray for him so Fritz was handed a bunch of pills. Unknown to Mike and Louie, the pills contained a light narcotic, so that when taken in large quantities they caused profound sleep. They thought that the pills had killed him. Immediately they had visions of thousands upon thousands of dead people, all of whom had taken the pills. After due consideration they made a suicide pact deciding to kill themselves with their own pills. Mike and Louie slept and dreamed that they had gone to Heaven. Here they met the druggist, Mike, certain that the druggist was in the wrong place, decided to throw him out This started the noise. Mike, Louie and the druggist were dragged before St. Peter. Mike woke up. Outside the drug store the crowd had gathered, led by officers of the "Drug Trust." They heard the noise and were certain that the relations of the dead people who had taken pills had come to wreak vengeance on them. Finally they were quieted and handed what was found to be a check for a million. Thus did Mary get her million, and Bob his Mary.