The names alone are worth the price of admission
If you have an hour to kill and you like watching men in very high-waisted pants ride horses, you should probably watch
Branded Men. It is the kind of movie that only makes sense if you do not think about it for more than three seconds at a time.
I think most people today would find it incredibly boring because nothing 'deep' happens. But if you grew up watching old reruns on a Saturday morning, this feels like
comfort food covered in trail dust.
The Sheriff Shortage
The plot is almost non-existent, which I actually kind of respect. Rod, Ramrod, and Half-A-Rod ride into a place called Steep Gulch.
I spent at least five minutes trying to figure out why someone would name a character
Half-A-Rod. It sounds like a nickname you get after a very specific and tragic accident.
Anyway, they arrive and the town is basically out of lawmen because a guy named Mace and his gang keep killing them. The townspeople look at these three strangers and say, "Hey, you have hats, want to be sheriffs?"
They say yes immediately. No background checks, no training, just
instant authority.
It reminds me a bit of the rough-and-tumble vibes in
The Abysmal Brute, though that one has more of a boxing focus. Here, it is all about the quick draw.
Ken Maynard and his Horse
Ken Maynard is the star here, and he plays Rod. He has this way of moving that makes him look like he is constantly about to do a backflip.
He was a real rodeo star before movies, and you can tell because he treats the stunts like they are easier than walking. There is a scene where he gets on his horse, Tarzan, and it is so smooth it makes modern action movies look
clunky.
Tarzan the horse is honestly a better actor than half the human cast. He seems to know exactly where the camera is at all times. 🐴
"The previous Sheriffs have been killed by Mace and his gang who don't wait long before they make an attempt on the new trio."
That quote from the plot summary is the entire movie. Mace shows up, shots are fired, and people fall off porches.
Small, Weird Details
- The sound of the guns is very tinny, like someone is popping bubble wrap behind the camera.
- One of the bad guys has a mustache that looks like it was glued on five minutes before the scene started. It actually wiggles when he talks.
- The town of Steep Gulch looks like it consists of exactly three buildings and a lot of dirt.
There is a strange moment where a character reacts to a gunshot about a full second after the sound happens. It is a little bit funny, but also charming in that 1930s 'we only had one take' sort of way.
The editing is very
choppy. Sometimes a character will be on one side of the street, and in the next frame, they are suddenly ten feet away.
Is it any good?
It is not a masterpiece, and it doesn't try to be. It is much more straightforward than something like
A Doll's House which is trying to be 'art'.
Branded Men just wants to show you a horse chase and a fistfight. The fistfights are the best part because they look so incredibly uncoordinated.
They just sort of swing their arms in wide circles until someone decides to fall down. It feels
honest.
If you are looking for a complex villain, Mace is not your guy. He is bad because he wears a dark hat and sneers a lot.
I did find myself wondering what happened to the families of the dead sheriffs, but the movie moves too fast to care. It just wants to get to the next scene where Ken Maynard jumps over something.
Final Thoughts from the Couch
I think I liked this more than I should have. It is short, it is loud, and the names are ridiculous.
It’s way more entertaining than watching a modern blockbuster that takes itself too seriously for three hours. This is just 60 minutes of guys being
dudes in the desert.
You might hate it if you can't stand grainy black-and-white film. But if you can handle some scratches on the screen, give it a look.
Also, keep an eye out for the background extras. Half of them look like they are wandering around wondering where the craft services table is. 🌵
