Bride of the Regiment (1930) Review: A Loud, Colorful, and Slightly Clunky Relic

Is this movie worth your time today? Probably not, unless you are a die-hard fan of early cinema or you just really like looking at old costumes. It is loud, the acting is stiff, and the plot feels like it was written on a napkin during a lunch break.

People who love Broadway history will find it interesting. People who want a fast-paced thriller will absolutely hate it.

The whole thing is based on a play called The Lady in Ermine. It’s set in the 1830s during some war between Austria and Italy, but the war mostly feels like an excuse for the men to wear very tight pants.

Vivienne Segal plays the Countess. She has a voice that could probably cut through a thick steak, which was great for the stage but feels a bit much for a microphone two inches from her face.

She spends most of the movie trying to save her castle from an invading Colonel. The Colonel is played by Walter Pidgeon, who looks incredibly young and slightly confused about why he has to sing so much.

The movie was filmed in two-color Technicolor. Because of that, everything has this strange orange and green tint, like the whole world was dipped in a vat of carrot juice and mint jelly.

I noticed that the makeup on the men is really heavy. There is one shot of a soldier where his eyeliner is so thick he looks like he’s about to join a goth band.

The pacing is a bit of a nightmare. One scene involves a group of soldiers drinking and singing for what feels like ten minutes straight without moving the story forward at all.

It reminded me of the slow bits in The Chinese Parrot, where you just want the camera to move already. But back then, those big cameras were basically the size of a refrigerator, so I guess I can't blame them too much.

Some things that caught my eye:

• The hats are absolutely massive. I don't know how Vivienne Segal kept her neck straight.
• There is a ghost story element about a lady in a painting that never really goes anywhere.
• The background extras often look like they are waiting for the bus rather than being in a war.
• Walter Pidgeon’s mustache deserves its own acting credit.

There is a scene where a guy falls over a chair in the background. It looked like a total accident, but they kept it in anyway, probably because film was too expensive to waste on a retake.

Myrna Loy is in this too, playing a character named Sophie. She isn't the star yet, but she has this way of looking at the camera that makes everyone else look like they are overacting.

She’s much better here than in some of those other early bits like Torrent. You can tell she’s going to be a big deal later on.

The comedy is... well, it’s 1930s comedy. Ford Sterling and Louise Fazenda do a lot of eye-rolling and falling down.

It’s the kind of humor that makes you smile politely rather than actually laugh. Like when your uncle tells a joke you've heard twelve times already.

The songs are okay, but they all start to sound the same after a while. Lots of trilling and high notes that make my dog tilt his head.

I found myself wondering if the stage version was better. On stage, you have the energy of the crowd, but here, the silence between the songs feels awkward.

There’s a weirdly long shot of a door closing at the end of a scene. It stays on the door for about five seconds too long, and you can almost hear the director whispering 'cut' in the background.

The whole thing feels a bit like a museum piece. It’s dusty and a little broken, but you can see the effort that went into it.

If you’ve seen something like Who's Hooligan?, you know how chaotic these early talkies can be. This one is more organized, but it’s still trying to figure out how to be a movie instead of a recorded play.

I wouldn't call it a masterpiece. Honestly, I’m not sure I’d even call it good by modern standards.

But it has a charm. It’s like looking at an old photo of your grandparents where they are wearing ridiculous clothes and trying to look serious.

The ending is very abrupt. One minute there is a big moral dilemma about a kiss, and the next, everyone is happy and the credits are rolling.

I guess they ran out of film or the actors were tired. It’s a strange little movie that probably should have stayed on Broadway, but I’m glad it exists in some form.

Don't go looking for deep meanings here. Just enjoy the big dresses and the weird colors.