I watched Paramount on Parade and now I feel like I've been to 1930

You should probably watch this if you care about movie history or just want to see Clara Bow being incredibly loud. If you need things like a story or character arcs, stay far away from this one.

It is basically a filmed version of a high school talent show, but with a budget that could buy a small city. Every five minutes, someone new pops up on screen, does a little bow, and tries to sing a song they probably learned an hour before filming.

The whole thing feels like the studio was just showing off that they finally figured out how to record audio. You can tell because everyone stands very still and shouts toward where the microphones are hidden in the flowers.

One of the first things you notice is how Gary Cooper looks like he wants to be anywhere else on earth. He is in this sketch called 'The Galas' and he is just so tall and awkward compared to everyone else.

Then you have Clara Bow. She is singing 'I'm True to the Navy Now' surrounded by a bunch of sailors who look like they’ve never been on a boat in their lives.

Her energy is just different from everyone else in the movie. She has this way of looking at the camera that makes the other actors seem like they are made of cardboard.

The 'Murder Will Out' sketch is probably the weirdest part of the whole night. You get William Powell playing Philo Vance and Warner Oland as Fu Manchu, and they’re all in on this big joke about detective movies.

It’s funny, but also kind of uncomfortable because of how people dressed up back then. I actually laughed when Sherlock Holmes showed up and everyone acted like it was the biggest crossover event in history.

Some of the musical numbers are just... strange. There is a duet on a giant cuckoo clock that goes on for a long time.

I kept waiting for the clock to do something cool, but it just sat there. The scale of the sets is impressive, though, especially considering they didn't have computers to fake it back then.

I wonder what it was like for audiences in 1930 to see all these people at once. It’s like an Avengers movie but everyone is wearing tuxedos and singing about 'Sweeping the Clouds Away.'

The movie is way better than some other stuff from that year, like The Blues, mostly because it never stays on one thing long enough to get boring. If you don't like a sketch, just wait three minutes and Maurice Chevalier will show up to wink at you.

Chevalier is in this a lot. He has this song about a park bench that is actually kind of catchy in a 'I will never get this out of my head' sort of way.

He has so much charm that it almost makes up for the fact that the movie has the structural integrity of a wet paper towel. He just knows how to work the room, even if the room is a dark cinema.

I noticed that the film quality changes a lot between scenes. Some parts look crisp and others look like they were filmed through a bucket of milk.

Apparently, some of this was originally in Technicolor, but those versions are mostly lost or look weird now. You can still see the ghosts of the colors in some of the dance numbers.

Jack Oakie and Skeets Gallagher keep showing up to introduce people. They try so hard to be funny, and about 40% of the jokes actually land.

It feels very human to watch them struggle with the timing. Sometimes there is a silence after a joke that lasts just a second too long, and you can feel the ghost of a 1930s audience not laughing.

There’s a little girl named Mitzi Green who does impressions of the older stars. She is actually terrifyingly good at it.

She mimics Helen Kane (the Boop-Oop-a-Doop girl) and it’s honestly better than the real thing. It’s one of those small moments that sticks with you more than the big expensive sets.

If you want to see something with more of a 'point,' maybe check out Smilin' Through instead. This isn't that kind of movie experience.

This is just a parade. It says it right in the title, so I guess I can't complain that it doesn't have a plot.

It’s a bit like scrolling through a very old version of TikTok. Short bursts of entertainment that don't really add up to anything, but you keep watching anyway.

The ending is just everyone singing together in a big finale that feels very loud. My ears actually hurt a little bit because the audio mixing back then was basically just 'turn everything to 10.'

Didja notice?

• The way the dancers in the background sometimes lose their balance for a split second.
• Gary Cooper’s incredibly high-waisted pants in the cowboy sketch.
• The microphones are clearly hidden in the big vases of flowers because everyone keeps leaning toward them.
• Fay Wray is in this for about five seconds and she doesn't even scream once.
• The 'Origin of the Apache' dance is actually pretty violent for a fun musical.
• That one guy in the navy scene who is definitely looking at the wrong camera.

Is it a masterpiece? Absolutely not.

But it is a fascinating mess. It's the kind of thing you put on a Sunday afternoon when you want to feel like you've traveled back in time without actually having to deal with the Great Depression.

I'm glad I watched it, but I don't think I'll ever need to see that cuckoo clock sketch again as long as I live. Once was enough for that bit of madness.