Ships of Hate (1931) Review: Charles Middleton is the meanest man on the water

If you have about an hour to kill and you don't mind a movie that sounds like it was recorded inside a metal bucket, you might actually like this. 🚢

It is not a masterpiece, and honestly, most people will probably find it boring or too crusty. But if you like seeing how early movies tried to handle 'tough' guys at sea, it's a fun little time capsule.

Charles Middleton is the whole show here. Most people know him as Ming the Merciless from the old Flash Gordon stuff, but here he is Captain Gooch.

Yes, his name is actually Captain Gooch. I laughed every time someone said it with a straight face.

He plays the role like he just found out his car was towed. He is just mean to everyone for absolutely no reason at all.

He yells at the crew. He yells at the ocean. He probably yells at his breakfast.

The crew is a bunch of guys who look like they were found at a local pier and told to 'look dirty.' It works, though.

There is a scene early on where a guy is just standing in the background doing nothing. He looks like he forgot his lines or maybe he’s just wondering what he’s doing in this movie.

Dorothy Sebastian plays the lead girl, and she spends most of the movie looking very concerned. I would be too if I was on a boat with Captain Gooch.

She has this one expression where she tilts her head and looks at the floor. She does it about fifteen times.

The ship itself feels incredibly small. It’s supposed to be this big, imposing vessel, but it looks like a bathtub toy in some shots.

I think they only had one hallway to film in. Everyone keeps walking through the same door over and over again.

The dialogue is very 'early talkie.' Everyone speaks very slowly and very clearly because the microphones back then were basically rocks.

"I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL. YOU." It’s not exactly natural speech.

But there is a certain charm to it. It feels honest in a way big modern movies don't.

I kept thinking about The Sideshow while watching the crew scenes. Both movies have that weird, shaky energy where nobody is quite sure where the camera is.

There is a lot of 'acting' with the hands. Lots of pointing and fist-shaking.

One guy, Lloyd Hughes, plays the hero. He is fine, I guess, but he’s pretty bland compared to the villain.

Middleton just eats the scenery. He makes everyone else look like they are made of cardboard.

I noticed that the lighting is really inconsistent. In one shot it’s bright day, and in the next, it’s pitch black, even though they are supposed to be in the same conversation.

Maybe the sun just moves really fast in this movie? Idk.

The plot is about as thin as a piece of paper. Captain is mean, crew gets mad, things happen, the end.

It doesn't try to be a deep meditation on anything. It’s just a B-movie about a jerk on a boat.

If you want something with more actual plot, you’re better off with The Heritage of the Desert. This one is mostly just vibes and shouting.

There is a moment where a character gets hit, and the sound effect happens about two seconds after the punch lands. It is unintentionally hilarious.

I love those little mistakes. It reminds you that real people made this, probably on a very tight schedule.

The ending comes out of nowhere. It’s like the director realized they only had two minutes of film left and just stopped.

Suddenly, it’s over. No big wrap-up, just 'okay, bye.'

I kind of respect that. Don't waste my time with twenty minutes of people talking about their feelings.

Is it a good movie? Not really. Is it a fun watch for people who like old-school grit? Absolutely.

Middleton’s face is worth the price of admission alone. He looks like a haunted tree. 🤨

I'd say give it a shot if you're bored. Just don't expect it to be Citizen Kane.

It’s just a weird, loud, salty little movie. And sometimes that is exactly what you need on a Tuesday night.

Actually, watching this makes me want to watch Mata Hari just to see what a movie with a real budget looks like from the same era.

The contrast would be wild. This movie feels like it was made for five dollars and a pack of cigarettes.

But hey, it’s got spirit. And Captain Gooch. Never forget the Gooch. ⚓️