DbcultAccessing Vault...
Cult Review
Archivist John
Senior Editor
If you're looking for something to put on while you're folding laundry or just want to see what a 'reform' story looked like nearly a hundred years ago, Square Crooks is worth a look. It’s a silent film from 1928, so obviously, don't expect 4K visuals or any talking.
It’s perfect for people who love that 1920s aesthetic—think flat caps, old cars, and very expressive eyebrow acting. If you hate slow-moving plots where the conflict could be solved by one honest conversation, you might find yourself rolling your eyes a bit.
The whole thing centers on Eddie and Larry. They are two former crooks who genuinely want to be 'square,' which is just old-timey talk for being honest. They just want to work.
But there is this guy, Detective Harry Welch. Man, I really didn't like this guy. He is their nemesis and he is obsessed with them.
Every time these guys get a job, Welch shows up like a bad smell. He basically tells their bosses, 'Hey, these guys used to be thieves,' and then they get fired. It’s actually pretty frustrating to watch.
You can feel the desperation in Eddie’s face. He’s played by Johnny Mack Brown, who I mostly know from Westerns, but he’s surprisingly good here without a horse. He looks so tired of being chased by his past.
They eventually get jobs as chauffeurs for the Carson family. The uniforms are so stiff they look like they’re wearing cardboard. I spent a good five minutes just looking at the tailoring on those suits.
Then, surprise surprise, a pearl necklace goes missing. It’s the most predictable thing that could happen, but the movie treats it like a huge shock. 😲
Welch is immediately there, pointing fingers. The way he looms over them in the hallway is actually pretty creepy. He’s got this sneer that makes you want to trip him.
Eddie’s wife, Kay, is the real highlight for me. She’s a telephone operator and she has a temper. Dorothy Dwan plays her with a lot of energy.
There’s a scene where she’s at the switchboard, plugging in cables like she’s fighting an octopus. I love seeing the old tech in these movies. It looks so complicated just to make a phone call.
Eddie tries to hide the fact that he lost his job from her. It’s that classic 'I don't want to worry her' trope that we still see in movies today. Some things never change, I guess.
The movie reminds me a little bit of Set Free in the way it handles people trying to start over. It’s that universal feeling of being stuck in a box that society built for you.
The pacing is a bit weird. It starts off slow, then suddenly everyone is running around the Carson mansion. The intertitles (the text cards) are actually quite funny sometimes, even if they aren't trying to be.
Robert Armstrong is in this too. You might know him as the guy who caught King Kong later on. Here, he’s much younger and has this jittery energy that keeps the scenes moving.
I noticed a small detail in the Carson house—there’s a lamp in the background that looks like a literal dragon. I kept getting distracted by it during the serious dialogue. Why did rich people in 1928 have such weird lamps?
The way the 'old cohort' shows up at the end to clear their names feels a bit like the writers ran out of time. It’s very convenient. Like, too convenient.
One minute they are going to jail, and the next, some guy walks in and says, 'Actually, it was me!' and everyone just believes him. It lacks the grit of something like The Brand, which feels a bit more grounded.
But honestly, I didn't mind the easy ending. Sometimes you just want to see the good guys win after a detective has been a jerk to them for an hour.
It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s a solid piece of history. It feels a bit like His Own Home Town in that it's very concerned with your reputation and what your neighbors think of you.
If you've ever felt like your past was following you around, you'll probably relate to Eddie. Even if you haven't been a jewel thief. The feeling of 'I just want to be left alone to do my job' is pretty relatable.
The cinematography is fine, nothing crazy. There are a lot of static shots. But the expressions on the actors' faces tell the whole story anyway. You don't really need the words.
I think the film gets a bit better once it stops trying to be a serious drama and just lets the characters be a bit silly. Larry is mostly there for comic relief, and his facial expressions are gold.
Check it out if you’re into the era. It’s a fast watch. Just don't expect it to change your life or anything. It's just a good, simple story about two guys trying not to get screwed over by a mean cop. 🕵️♂️
It’s definitely more entertaining than something like The Winning Stroke, which I found a bit harder to sit through. At least here, the stakes feel personal.
Anyway, that's my take. It’s a square deal for a silent movie night.