The Jonker Diamond: A shiny little history lesson

Is it worth a watch?

Honestly, only if you're a weirdo like me who enjoys watching dusty, mid-century educational shorts. If you're looking for drama or, I don't know, a plot that keeps you awake, you’ll probably hate it. It’s a dry, factual slog, but it has that weird, grainy charm that makes you wonder why anyone thought this specific story needed to be told this way.

It opens with a lot of heavy-handed narration. You know, the kind that tries to make a hunk of carbon seem like the most important thing to ever exist on this green earth. It works, sort of.

The discovery part is the best bit, mostly because the acting is so stiff it’s almost funny. The family finds this massive diamond, and the reactions are… let’s just say they weren’t winning any Oscars that year. It feels like they were told to act surprised and just decided to stand there with their mouths slightly open.

The middle act drags

Once we get to Harry Winston and Lazare Kaplan, the movie slows down to a crawl. There’s a lot of talking about cutting angles and weight, which I suppose is the point, but it lacks any real tension. You’re just watching men in suits point at a rock. It makes me miss the faster pace of something like The Eagle's Brood, where at least people were moving around.

There’s this one shot of Kaplan holding his breath while he prepares to cut the diamond that lasts forever. I literally checked my phone because I thought the video player had frozen. It hadn't. It was just a very long, very silent shot of a man looking stressed.

Compared to the pure chaos of The Sky Plumber, this thing is a snooze-fest. But it’s a shiny snooze-fest. 💎

• The props look like they came straight out of a school play.
• The narrator sounds like he’s reading the phone book, but with more enthusiasm.
• There is a distinct lack of actual South African scenery, mostly just studio sets that look a bit tired.

I don't know who this was made for, but I'm glad it exists. It’s not great, but it’s real, and sometimes that's all you need when you're killing thirty minutes on a Tuesday. Just don't go in expecting a thriller about jewelry thieves or anything. It's just a guy, a rock, and a lot of patience.