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5.8/10
Senior Film Conservator
A definitive 5.8/10 rating for a film that redefined the boundaries of cult cinema. The Three Musketeers remains a cornerstone of transgressive art.
If you like old-school adventure movies where everyone talks like they’re trying to reach the back row of a theater, you’ll dig this. It’s got a weird, frantic energy that keeps things moving, even when the plot gets a bit tangled. If you need grit or modern pacing, skip it and watch The Whole Town's Talking instead. That one has more snap.
Walter Abel looks like he’s having a genuinely good time being D'Artagnan, even if he looks a little old to be playing a hot-headed kid. There is this one scene where he’s leaping around a room with a sword, and I swear he almost trips over his own cape twice. Nobody edited it out. I kinda loved that.
The whole thing feels like it was filmed in a library that was also a fencing gym. The sets are just… there. They do the job, but they have that flat, painted look that makes you want to reach out and touch the canvas. It’s not necessarily bad, just very 1935.
There’s a moment where the Cardinal is looming in the shadows, and the lighting is so dramatic it’s almost funny. He’s just standing there, doing absolutely nothing but looking suspicious for a solid minute. It feels like the director told him, "Just stand there until the camera guy nods."
I found myself wondering if this movie would feel more at home next to something like The Hoosier Schoolmaster. There’s a similar stiffness to the acting, like they’re all afraid the cameras might explode if they move too fast. Still, the chaos of the final act is weirdly charming.
Don't look for deep character growth here. You won't find it. You’ll just find a lot of guys with mustaches running around Paris making grand gestures. It’s a movie that knows what it is, and it doesn’t try to be anything else. Honestly, that’s refreshing. ⚔️