Very Close Veins: A weird, old-school misunderstanding

Is this thing worth your time?

Honestly, only if you have a soft spot for really old, noisy slapstick. If you enjoy movies where people walk into rooms, yell at each other for ten minutes, and leave, you’re in the right place. Everyone else will probably want to turn it off about four minutes in.

The whole premise hinges on a medical misunderstanding that feels like it was written on the back of a napkin in about five seconds. Dr. Toppanbottam (what a name, right?) tells his patient to head to Alaska for his very close veins. It’s the kind of dialogue that sounds like it was meant to be a clever pun, but it just lands with a thud.

Then there’s Rosie. She’s listening in, hears the word "veins," and immediately decides it’s gold. Because of course she does. It’s the sort of logic that only makes sense if you’ve already decided the movie needs to be 40 minutes long.

Shemp Howard is in this, which is basically the only reason I clicked play. You can tell when he's on screen because the energy shifts from "stiff stage play" to "someone actually trying to be funny." He has this way of blinking like he’s just realized he’s in the wrong movie, and frankly, I felt that in my soul.

The pacing is a disaster. It’s just constant shouting. At one point, I started counting how many times they say the word "gold," but I lost track because they keep interrupting each other. It’s like watching a group of people argue over a parking spot, but with worse hats.

It definitely lacks the quiet, weird energy of Barnyard Lodge Number One. That one felt like it was made by people who at least liked the sound of their own jokes. This feels more like a chore.

There’s a moment where a character is explaining the map to Alaska, and the prop looks so fake it’s almost impressive. Like, it’s just a piece of paper with a squiggle on it. Nobody in the room seems to notice or care. They just keep pointing at it with these intense expressions like they’re planning a bank heist.

If you want to see how comedy used to be done before everyone decided irony was a personality trait, give it a shot. Otherwise, maybe just watch Show People if you want to see a real pro work. 🎬

It’s not good, but it’s short. Sometimes that’s enough.